These Things I know To Be True

Forgiveness is man’s deepest need and his highest achievement (Horace Bushnell)

Having said that I believe you have a choice to forgive the person that has harmed you and yet decide not continue that relationship. Or you can forgive this person who has harmed you and to ask for fairness or justice. As it isn’t possible for you and this person to step back in time and undo the harm it has done to you or the relationship.

I have been struggling to forgive my older sister for over four years. I along with my sister and my niece and a friend of hers were invited to have lunch at my oldest sister’s house. While we were having lunch, my oldest sister started saying very hurtful and inappropriate remarks about my marriage. I was stunned and kept saying,” who are you talking about?” Over and over again. Everyone was laughing at my reaction to what my sister was saying. 

I was so devastated by this experience that I just got up and left without saying anything. A week later I called her and try to explain to her how much she had hurt me. She had the opportunity to say she was sorry in that moment but she didn’t take it. She became extremely angry at me and told me I had no right to criticize her. She repeated the hateful things she had said to me at her house. And then she hung up on me. I was so shocked that I thought somehow the call had been disconnected. I called her back. The phone machine picked up and I just kept repeating her name. She never called me back.

The negative feelings that I harbored toward her were nearly as painful to me as the harsh and harmful words she said to me. If she wasn’t a person that I loved and felt connected to at a deep level, I would not have felt so betrayed.

I spoke to my other two sisters and explained how upset I was by this event. The sister who was present during the incident said, “Oh, we weren’t laughing at you. We were laughing at how she said it.” My other sister, said, “Forget it. As she is under a lot of pressure. This dismissive attitude toward my feelings deepened the injury my older sister caused.

Over the next months I became depressed and angry. I stayed angry for the next several years. I stopped painting and writing. It is only in the last year that I started writing again.

My husband and I prepared to retire and made the decision to move to another state that was more affordable. And also, to remove me from a place that constantly reminded me of my sister and what had happened between us. During the next two years after we moved away both my older brother and his wife passed away. I didn’t return for the funerals. I couldn’t bare the thought of seeing my oldest sister.

Last Spring, my sister wrote me a note. It said.

I’m so sorry for all the things I did that hurt you. I never intended to hurt you. If you can forgive me. I will always be grateful. You were always kind to me and my husband. I will always remember those times. Your sister. E.

I made the decision to forgive her. I hope this act will have the effect of healing my heart and release the pain I have felt for the past four years. I will make every effort to let go of this painful experience and move forward in my life with a lighter spirit and love in my heart to replace all the pain that was living there.

My enduring hope is that having forgiven my sister for this transgression that I’m able to feel that I have a family again.