When I was twenty-one years old, my boyfriend, Jimmy dumped me without any explanation. He just stopped calling me and wouldn’t answer the phone when I called him. I drove over to his apartment numerous times. He never came to the door. I drove to his parent’s house down the shore in Wildwood. Their summer home was right on the bay. Jimmy loved to fish and to sit on the peer and drink beer.

The first time I went out with him, he said, “Kathy, I want to tell you out front that I drink too much. And I got a dishonorable discharge from the military.”

I said, “dishonorable discharge, what does that mean?”

“It means, that I tried to frag my commanding officer, and they threw me out of the Marines.”

I stared at him and finally said, “frag, what does frag mean?”

It means that me and a bunch of my fellow enlisted buddies decided to get rid of him because he didn’t know what he was doing. And he was going to get us all killed, so we tried to kill him first.” One of the guys ratted us out to the commanding officer. And we were thrown out of the Marines.”

“You tried to kill someone?” I said with wide eyes.

“Yeah, that’s right. Now you know, so if you have a problem with me, then now is the time to leave.”

I sat there silently in the front seat of his car, and thought about it for a few minutes, but not too long. “But you didn’t kill him.”

“Yeah, that’s right we didn’t but not for lack of trying. We just weren’t successful at it.”

I looked at him with his big, blue eyes and sandy blond hair and thought, he didn’t do it, so he’s innocent. Yes, I know that doesn’t make any sense. I should have said, bye, good luck, don’t let the door hit you on the but on the way out. But I didn’t. I just said, “alright, do you want to go out and get something to eat or what?’

We went out to a drive-up called Stewards, and we had hamburgers and fries. Then we went to the movies. He never mentioned it again and neither did I. There isn’t any explanation for why I responded in this way. Other than, I just really wanted to have a boyfriend. I wanted someone to love me. I look back on that decision and realize I’m embarrassed by my choices, especially since not too long after that, he dumped me like a bad habit.

After I was dumped, I spent a good seven or eight months depressed. So depressed that I quit my job and stayed in my bedroom and cried and cried until I didn’t have any tears left. I thought my heart was broken. I felt broken. My parents didn’t know what to do with me and so they did nothing. Eventually, I tried to decide what to do with myself. I realized the first thing I had to do was get a new job.

I talked to my older brother, John. “John, I need to get a job. I would like to work with children. Do you know of any jobs?” My brother recently worked as one of the therapists at Ancora, the state mental hospital. He lived on the grounds in a little house.

“Yes, I do, there are always openings at Ancora. You know the state mental hospital where I used to work. They have a children’s ward there. Anyway, I’ll give you her name and phone number if you’re interested.”

Of course, I know that he lived there and worked there. Apparently, he forgot that I used to drive all the way down there and babysit his kids for him. When he and his wife went out for the evening, before they would leave, he always said, “make sure all the doors and windows are locked after we leave. Some of the mental patients escape sometimes and can be dangerous. “

“Oh yeah, sure,” I said and nervously laughed. My brother was always joking around all the time. At least I hope he was joking. But you could never be certain with him. All the same, after they left, I locked all the doors and checked the windows.

When my brother and his wife returned from their night out, he wrote down the woman’s name and phone number who worked at Ancora and her name and number on a scrap of paper and handed it to me. “You can use my name as a reference.”

“Thanks, John, I appreciate your help. See you later.”

The next morning, I called her up. “Hello, Mrs. Coffey, My name is Kathy Bernard. My brother gave me your name and number. My brother’s name is Dr. John Bernard. I’m looking for a new position I want to work with children.”

“Oh, so you’re Dr. Bernard’s sister. We think highly of John. We were sorry when he left. Do you have any experience working with children or mental illness?”

“Well, no not really, but I love kids and would appreciate the opportunity to help kids.”

“Well Miss Bernard, first you will be required to take an aptitude test because Ancora is a state facility, and you will be a state employee. The next available test date is in two weeks, it’s in Trenton. Will that be a problem?  And also, if you pass the test, you will have to take eight weeks of training and be tested at the end of completing the course. If you pass you will be a certified Psychiatric aide. “

“No, it’s not a problem.” Although the idea of driving all the way up to Trenton frightened me as I lack a sense of direction and often get lost, I would have to take the turnpike. The average speed driver on the turnpike is 75mph, and mine is 50mph. As it turned out following the NJ turnpike to Trenton was not that difficult. I found my way to Trenton without any problems. However, once I was in the city limits, I got lost and had to pull over and look at the street map I had brought of Trenton. Luckily, I can read and follow a map and somehow made my way to the state testing facility without any real issues. Of course, I arrived about an hour before the test was due to start. As I allowed myself extra time just in case, I became lost. I decided to wait in the car until I was supposed to sign in for the test.

At 9 am sharp I  walk up to the state-building and through the double doors to the front desk. I sign in and take a seat in the waiting area and observe all the people who begin arriving to take the test. I ‘m shocked to see how many there are. There are people of all ages, male and female. I realize the competition is going to be tough. I try to remain calm.

The test monitor begins calling people by name. I ‘m called in with the first group of people. Everyone is asked for two forms of identification. I provide mine. The man in charge of testing gives us instructions and tells us the test will be timed. And we have to stop when we are told to, not one second later. I finish the competency test. I hope I did well. I really wasn’t sure how I did. I ‘ll just have to wait for the results. First, I have to find my way home.

About two weeks later, I receive a letter stating that I had passed the competency test and can report for training at Ancora State Hospital the following Monday at 9 am.

I arrived one hour early to start my psychiatric aide training. I find the classroom that I was told to go to almost immediately. I’m the first to arrive. Nine people arrive soon after I do. The first person to arrive after me takes one look at me and comes over and sits at the desk next to me. She smiles at me and I smile back. She says “I’m a little nervous about this.”

I respond, “Me too.” And we both laugh. She introduces herself to me, I’m Joan Hall.”

And from that day forward we stick together like glue. On the last day, we take a final test. And Joan and I score the highest grades. Joan scores slightly higher than me because I didn’t know the visiting hours for Ancora. The teacher asks us to stay after class to talk to her. She recommends that we both consider going on to become psychiatric nurses. As we scored high on the IQ test and high on the final test.

The classroom portion of the course isn’t difficult. When we are put on the wards to be trained. I admit I’m a bit nervous. When I was looking for the ward I was assigned to a young woman comes over to me and asks,” Do you know what time it is? I was somewhat taken aback by her appearance. She’s covered in what appeared to be small tumors all over her face and body. She’s young about my age. I look at her and say, I think it is about 8:45 am. Are you alright?’ She says, “do you know what time it is? Do you know what time it is? Do you know what time it is?” I have to admit I was a little shaken by her appearance and what she said. Most of all, I just felt pity for her. And wondering why she had to have the misfortune of being born this way. I feel sad for her.  She walks away from me but keeps asking loudly for the time.

There are other patients walking around, shuffling their feet with seemingly no real purpose or destination in mind. Then I realize that they must be medicated. And the shuffling was some kind of side effect from a drug. I wonder if that is all they do all day—wandering from one hallway to the next. I wave at or said, “hello” to all the patients I pass. Occasionally, one of them responds, “hi,” and keeps walking. I wonder if any of them ever recovered or if they would always live this kind of half-life. As I walk down the hall, I notice there are giant highchairs lined up against the wall. And sitting in the highchairs are adults wearing diapers. They are strapped into the highchairs. They are silent. I can not comprehend what I’m seeing. Some of them have helmets on their heads and keep banging their heads against the wall.  I admit I’m shaken by the sight of these unfortunate souls.

The first day Joan and I are assigned to work in the ward for bedridden patients with dementia. As we come onto the floor, I hear an old woman screaming, “I want my applesauce.” She screams this over and over again at the top of her voice. “I WANT MY APPLESAUCE.”

Joan and I look at each other. I was the first one to start laughing, Joan follows. Finally, I say. “Well, damn I’m going to find this poor woman some applesauce.” We start laughing again. I admit it was out of nervousness.

The dementia patients are either screaming at the top of their lungs or look catatonic. I have never been around anyone who has dementia before so it came as quite a shock. We’re going to spend a week in each one of these wards to find a good fit.

I want to work with children, so I’m sure this isn’t where I want to work. By the end of the week, it’s clear to me that I don’t want to work in the ward with dementia patients. Joan likes it there. She has a calming effect on these patients and decides to stay and work there. I ‘ll miss her, but I’m glad she found her niche.

The next week I ‘m assigned to work in the active psyche ward on the first shift. As soon as I enter the ward, I find the day supervisor. “Hello, I’m Kathy Bernard. I’m new to this ward, here are my papers I was told to report to you first thing.

“Oh good, I’m happy that you’re on time, I can’t tolerate people who are tardy. Your first responsibility in the morning is to supervise the woman’s showers. Here are the people you are to call for the first showers. Let me show you where the showers are located. As she walks with me to the shower room, she explains that I was to stand in the room and watch the patients while they are in the shower room. And make sure that order is maintained and that there isn’t any physical contact allowed between the patients.

I look at her. Perhaps stare with my eyes bulging out of my head at her would be a better description. And I repeat once maybe twice, “supervise the woman’s showers.” Keep in mind that I’m twenty-one years old and have zero experience with naked people or communal showers for that matter. Then I say, “ok.” And follow her to the shower room. It’s one big open space with showers spaced about four feet apart with a drain on the floor and a towel rack between each shower. And a shelf for the patients to place their dry clothes.

“Alright, here we are. And as I said the patients aren’t allowed to have physical contact for any reason.”

I repeat, “no physical contact.”  Inside my head, I’m screaming, run, run, run away Kathy. But don’t. I stay there and wait for further instructions. There aren’t any.

“Alright, get busy; we don’t like to get behind schedule. Go out there and call the first ten patients in, keep it orderly.”

“Alright.” I say, and walk into the next room and yell out, “Alright, ladies, I want the people whose name I call out to go into the shower room and get a shower. Take off your pajamas and wash thoroughly from top to bottom, dry yourself and get dressed, and, most importantly, do not touch anyone else for any reason.”

And unbelievably that is what they do. The patients walk into the shower room and undress and get a shower, dry off, and then put their day clothes on. I only had one patient engage me in any way. She looks about twenty years old and has Downs Syndrome. She comes over and points down at her crotch and tries to hand me the soap. It takes me a moment to realize what she wants. And I calmly said, “What’s your name?” She says, Mary or Marta. I’m not sure which. “I think you know Mary that there isn’t any physical contact allowed in this room. Please return to your shower and then dry off and get dressed.”

She did just that.  I’m shocked that I ‘m able to handle this issue with such calmness. And that I didn’t run away. At that moment, I recognize that I ‘m stronger than I ever knew. I stand in the doorway of the shower room and observe the patients. After they’re finished, I take the next ten women into the shower room, and all goes well. I realize that these are people just like me. They have mental health issues. And that I’m here to help and guide them and learn from them. I don’t know if I’m up to the task, but I’m going to do my best while I’m here.

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