Christmas time is here again. At my age, it seems difficult to summon up the Christmas spirit.

Maple Shade, NJ Christmas 1960’s

But when I was a child, it was a different story. I remember the days leading up to Christmas seemed to go by at a snail’s pace. I would ask my mother every day, “how many more days until Christmas, Mom?

She answered, “one less than when you asked me yesterday. Now, why don’t you go find something to do and keep yourself busy.”

I know if I kept bugging her, she would find something for me to do. “Ok, Mom, I think I’ll take a walk. I’ll be back in a little while.”

I decide to walk downtown and look in the windows of the stores. We live in a little town in Southern New Jersey called Maple Shade. And all the stores are decorated for Christmas. We even have a Christmas parade. And Santa Clause takes a ride all over town in the fire truck. And he throws candy to all the kids that are lined up on the sidewalks. All my friends and I walked down the pike on Main Street to see it yesterday. We had such fun. It was really cold outside, so we all had our winter coats on and hats and gloves and snow boots. Because the day before yesterday, we got over a foot of snow.

As I walked down the street, I noticed that the repair shop had a TV in the window, and it was playing It’s A Wonderful Life with Jimmy Stewart. I’ve seen this story before, but all the same, I stand there and watch it for quite a while. I can’t hear the sound, of course, but I know most of the dialogue anyway since I’ve seen it so many times. I decide to walk down to the Five & Dime Store to look at all the cool toys in the window. I ask Santa for a Barbie doll. I hope I get one.

The Christmas Lights along Main Street are beautiful. Of course, they look better when it’s dark out. The volunteer firemen drove up and down Main Street in their Fire Trucks and put up the lights and the Christmas Wreaths with big red bows on them the week before Thanksgiving. I watched them. The Rexall Drug Store is next to the Five & Dime Store. They have a display with a train set riding around on the train tracks with little houses and churches and trees and tiny little people walking around. There is even a little dog in the front yard of one of the little houses. At least, I think it’s a dog, but it’s hard to tell because it is so little. Above the houses, Santa is flying through the air with his reindeer, including Rudolph with his red nose. There’s a little stream of smoke coming out of the smokestack of the train engine. I wish we had one of those going around our tree.

I walk down to the bakery and look in their window. There are so many delicious-looking cakes in the window. My stomach starts growling really loud. My mother says I have a sweet tooth. I’m not sure what that means. But I really do love candy and cake. I hope I get some candy canes in my Christmas stocking and some chocolate kisses with red and green foil wrapped around them. Oh, how I would love to have an éclair too. My mother is making a cake for Christmas. She is a really good baker. I hope she makes a vanilla cake with shredded coconut on it. I really do love coconut. Oh, I almost forgot that every Christmas, my mother makes a giant tin of Christmas cookies. She puts the cookie dough in a cookie press and squeezes out these cookies in all kinds of shapes, and puts different colored sprinkles on them. I always find where she hides the cookie tin in the cellar, and I eat a whole bunch of them before Christmas gets here.

As I’m walking down Main Street, I see a police car coming in my direction. The car pulls over, and I hear the policeman calling out my name and saying, “Merry Christmas, Susie.”

I walk over to the curb, and I see it is Mr. Lombardi, our next-door neighbor. He is a policeman in our town. “Merry Christmas, Officer Lombardi,” I scream at the top of my voice. And then he waves again and drives away.

I continue walking down the street, and I see a couple of kids from school. I hear them yelling, “hey Susie do you want to go and play behind the church?”

“Sure,” I say. When I caught up to them, I saw it was my friend Helen and Ann Marie.

“What were you up to, Susie?”

“Nothing, just walking downtown and looking in all the store windows. What do you guys want to do?’

“We were just going behind the church and seeing who is playing in the snow out there. Are you getting anything good for Christmas, Susie?”

“I don’t know what I’ll get, but I asked for a Barbie doll and some art supplies. How about you guys? What did you ask for Christmas?”

“I ask for two games, Operation and Twister. I love games, said Ann Marie. “

“I ask for an Easy-Bake oven. said Helen.”

“Oh, that sounds like fun.”

We rounded the corner at Main Street and Fellowship Road, and I said, “let’s have a race to the pump house behind the church. Ready, set, go.”

And we all ran as fast as we could. And at the last minute, I slipped on an icy spot and fell flat on my back. Ann Marie and Helen ran up to me and said all at once,” are you alright?”

“Yes.” I manage to say, even though the wind really got knocked out of me.

“Ok, then I bet I can beat you to the pump house Helen yells.” And before I even got up from the icy sidewalk, they were running at top speed to the pump house. I scramble up and start running as fast as I can. I was just about to catch up with them when I heard them yelling, “we beat you; we beat you.”

All the same, I kept running, and before you knew it, I was scrambling up the side of the pump tower to the top along with them. There were a whole lot of kids from Our Lady of Perpetual Help school there and some of the public-school kids too. And they were climbing up hills of snow and sledding across the parking lot. We laughed hard, and the air was so cold I could hardly breathe. I don’t know how long I stayed out there. But I know by the time I heard my mother yelling, “Susie, it’s time to come home. It was starting to get dark outside. What a day it was, what a day!

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As long as I can remember, my life was polluted by secrets. I can’t remember a single day when I was young when I wasn’t terrified that someone would find out my secret. And they would divulge it to everyone I knew, including my friends, neighbors, and workmates. And then what would happen? My life as I knew it would never be the same.

Mob car

I didn’t realize at first that my family was different than all my friends. I had a father and a mother, two sisters and older brothers, and grandparents. We all lived together in a big, old Victorian house in Philadelphia, Pa. I was the youngest. Not to mention the endless number of” Uncles” I had.

My parents told me over and over again that what went on in our house stayed in our house. There were no if, and, or buts. I was warned that there would be dire consequences if I ever told anyone about my family and what they did. I really didn’t even understand what was going on. Because all the meetings that happened in our house were behind closed doors. There were always men coming and going from our house. My mother told me that my father was a businessman and that’s all.

And so, I believed that all these guys were members of our family and they were discussing business. The weird thing was that the people who lived in my neighborhood gave my family, especially my father, a wide berth. All of my “uncles” were big guys with black hair and mustaches. They wore expensive suits and had gold pocket watches. They smoked stinky cigars that bobbed up and down in their mouths when they were talking. I never saw them without cigars. Our house always smelled like cigars.

Once a week, they had a big meeting at our house, and they all marched into my father’s office, smoking their cigars and talking and laughing loudly. After they all arrived, my father would close the double doors to his office and lock the door. Sometimes I could hear them arguing with one another. Occasionally a fight might break out, but that never lasted too long. Because my father, who was a big man, would pick up the guy causing the problem by the seat of his pants and throw him out the front door. I would never see them again. I was always afraid of my father because he was angry, loud, and violent.

One night I snuck down the steps from my bedroom and listened at the door to my father’s office. I could hear my Uncle Vinny arguing with someone, and then I heard my father say, “Hey Joe take Vinny for a ride. He needs to cool off. And that was the last time I ever saw my Uncle Vinny. I was afraid to ask my father where he was. And my mother told me I shouldn’t ask such questions. If I knew what was good for me. I missed my Uncle Vinny. He always bought me black licorice, and it was my favorite. After Uncle Vinny went for the ride, I never saw him again.

What I didn’t know when I was a little kid was that my father was a part of the Mob or Mafia, and he and his cohorts were involved in illegal gambling at the casinos, and the race track, prostitution, and of course, selling illegal alcohol. As I got older, I realized that my family was not like any of my friend’s families. Their fathers were mailmen, factory workers, and mechanics. They worked from nine to five and didn’t have scary men coming to their homes at night. Which often ended with violence. Because of this environment, I became afraid of my father. I wished that I had just an ordinary family.

If any of the kids at school knew my father was in the Mafia, they never said a word to me, and that goes for teachers at school as well. No matter what kind of trouble I got in, I was never held accountable for it. Because nobody but nobody messed with the mob and their families.

My mother was strict with my siblings and me. She wouldn’t tolerate trouble coming to her door. And she really didn’t have to worry about it because nobody was going to rat out me or my brothers or sisters.

At some point when I was a teenager, it dawned on me that no matter what I did, I didn’t get into trouble. So, I did whatever I wanted to, and I have to admit I became something of a bully. This didn’t go unnoticed by my older siblings or my father. I couldn’t help but notice that my father seemed kind of proud that the other kids in school were afraid of me.

When I was about sixteen, my father told me he wanted me to start going with him so I could learn the family business. And so that was the end of my formal public school education and the beginning of my life as a member of the Mafia. I have to confess that I loved every minute of it, the power, the influence, and the respect I received from the people in my neighborhood. My childhood was behind me. And my career as a mobster began. And then there was the attention from all the young women in my neighborhood, especially after I bought a 1953 red Buick Skylark. I could have any girl that I wanted.

My brothers and I worked together. We split our time between bootlegging, alcohol and gambling, and prostitution. We were literally rolling in the dough in the late 1950s. That is when my father started getting involved with construction and controlling the Unions in the casinos in Atlantic City. My life was exciting. As I grew older, my power and influence increased, and so did my brothers. We were a family to be reckoned with.

Up until the 1970s, we didn’t feel threatened by the FBI or local police. Even the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) under J. Edgar Hoover didn’t believe that the local Mob families were a federal problem. And local police didn’t have the money or knowledge, or experience to support continual investigations and make cases against members of our families. We were untouchable for many years.

Not to mention that many of the local police departments were easily corrupted by the Mafia. The occasional successful prosecution had little, if any, effect on our businesses and operations. New members could easily be recruited to replace imprisoned colleagues.

And my life went on with little interruption. The Feds tried to build a case against me, but they were never able to prove anything. As I got older, I took over more and more of the responsibility from my father. In fact, my father said that he and my mother were planning on retiring soon, and he wanted me and my brothers to take over the business. And in fact, that is what we did. We took over the Family business.

My brothers and I made a great team, our business was growing, and we were making plenty of money. We even began investing in legitimate businesses. We hope that by doing that, there would be fewer problems with the Feds and the local police. But unfortunately, that is not what happened. The Feds were closing in on us, and by 2010 they had infiltrated the Mob to the extent that one of our members agreed to turn his back on the Mafia and the FBI took us all down. More than twenty-seven Mob bosses were arrested, interrogated, tried, and incarcerated.

And I was one of those. And here I sit and will continue to sit in this jail cell for what will probably be the rest of my life. I will miss the action, the power. But I knew what I was doing, and I wouldn’t change a thing about my life. It was the life I was meant to live. I do regret not being able to be with my family. I miss my children and grandchildren. I hope that one day, they will forgive me and come to visit me. All the money in the world can not make up for losing my family. It was too high a price to pay for power and money. But there is no changing past mistakes. There is only regret.

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WRITE ON FOLLOWERS TOMORROW I WILL BE POSTING A NEW STORY, ALL IN A DAY’S WORK. I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR FEEDBACK. SUSAN A. CULVER

I will be unable to post any stories on Facebook for the next four weeks. My next post will be on September 15th. Please feel free to go to my blog site and read some of my past stories that you might have missed.

Susan A. Culver

Did you ever get up on the wrong side of the bed? And you were just in a foul mood. Well, that’s how I woke up feeling today, yesterday, and every day for the past six years.

No, I’m not exaggerating. And the reason was I was sick of my current life. I needed a change, a significant change. I have no idea what I want to do or where I want to be. But I know for sure I need to do something different, or I’m going to go out of my freaking mind. https://susanaculver.com/home/

Susan A. Culver

I am taking the next two weeks off. I will post previously published stories on Wednesday and Friday this week and next. I hope you are having a great summer. Susan A. Culver

HELLO WRITE ON FOLLOWERS, I WILL BE TAKING THE WEEK OF F. HAPPY HOLIDAY.

SUSAN CULVER

When I was seventeen just two months before my eighteenth birthday I found out I was pregnant. This happened about five weeks before my high school graduation. My boyfriend and I had just broken up because I found out he had been cheating on me the whole time we were dating.

I don’t know if finding out I was pregnant or the fact that Johnathan cheated on me was more devastating news. I spent my entire four years of high school studying and working and saving money so I would be able to attend Rutgers University. I excelled in all my classes and was the Valedictorian of my graduation class.

I realized my period was late but I procrastinated for way too long. I was in complete denial. I admit it. I went to the drug store and purchased a pregnancy test. I thought we had been so careful. But I admit I was in denial about the possibility that I might be pregnant and I waited two months before I took the test. I knew I was pregnant for sure when I started having morning sickness. I felt like my life was over and all my hard work was wasted.

After I took the test and it tested positive I called Johnathan and ask him to meet me outside the public library. He said, “what’s up? I don’t have much time I have to go to work this afternoon. ” I said, “you better meet me, I have some bad news.”

When I arrived at the library I saw Johnathan standing next to the big Willow tree and Anne Marie Gibson was standing next to him, she was holding his hand. I thought I might go out of my mind. I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing. This was the last draw. There was no way I was going to have a baby, and give up my life and my future with someone that was cheating on me.

As I walked closer to the two of them Johnathan quickly dropped Anne Marie’s hand. His face turned red as a beet. I walked up to him and said,”what’s going on Johnathan?”

“Oh, Christine I’m sorry you found out this way. I was going to tell you and it just so happened that Anne Marie was at the library today and she saw me standing here waiting. She didn’t know that you were coming to meet you here.”

“I need to talk to you alone Johnathan. I have something to tell you.”

Johnathan said, “I’ll call you later Anne Marie.” Anne Marie totally ignored me and leaned in and kissed Johnathan. I felt so angry at him and myself. I thought I might explode. Anne Marie walked away and as she did she called out,”Johnathan call me later.”

I stared at Johnathan for a couple of minutes and said, “I thought you love me, I guess I was wrong. You are not the person I thought you were. I don’t want to talk to you again.”

“I thought you wanted to tell me something?”

“No, I don’t have anything to say to you, I don’t want to ever see or hear from you again. And then I turned and walked away. There was no way I was going to tell him I was pregnant. I knew I had some hard decisions to make. And I knew I was going to make them on my own. I never spoke to Johnathan again.

After much soul searching I decided that I was not going to have an abortion, but I was not ready to be a mother. Not by a long shot. I decided that I would have the baby and give him or her up for adoption. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life up until now.

I did tell my parents. They were disappointed in me. I was disappointed in myself. My parents helped me find a place to stay until the baby was born. It was just outside Rutgers University. I was able to take classes up until I went into labor. I was able to talk to several sets of potential parents while I was living there. And two days after I gave birth to a baby boy they came and took him home to his new home. Their names were Marie and Arthur Klein.

I never seen such happy people in my life. I feel like I was in shock from the whole experience. But I know I made the best decision for me and my little boy. I wasn’t ready to be a parent. I still had a lot of growing up to do myself. I hoped that sometime in the future I could meet him but that would be up to him and his new parents.

Two weeks later I began taking classes full-time at Rutgers. I put all of my energy into my education. I did not allow myself the time or the space to understand the full impact of having a baby and giving it to strangers to raise. I assured myself it was the best decision for me and the baby. And then I pushed it to the back of my mind and did not allow myself to think about it again.

My parents never came to see the baby after it was born and never brought the subject up again. It was always there between us like a brick wall but neither they nor I ever breached the subject. Looking back at it I realize that was a big mistake on all our parts. They had a grandson that they would never meet or know and I gave away my first child and never looked back. I never allowed myself to think about it, not for years and years.

As the years passed I became a lawyer and worked in criminal law and then I decided I wanted to make a greater impact on my life and started working within the Federal Government. And ultimately I ended up working as a Constitutional lawyer because I believed I would become a guardian of our Constitutional Rights as American Citizens.

The years went by quickly. My parents were preparing to retire and move to Florida. I told them it was somewhat of a mundane cliche to retire to Florida. But they insisted their dream was to have a home on the beach and spend their remaining days swimming, and fishing. In the end, they eventually bought a huge boat and decided to travel the world by sea. I saw them once or twice a year and one year when I was about forty- three years old they ask me to join them on a trip from Florida to the Virgin Islands.

Unfortunately, I had a problem as we encountered a rocky sea and I was seasick the whole trip. As a result, I spent about three days with them on the Islands and then decided I wasn’t up to going back to Florida by sea and flew home by air.

It was a small plane and there was only one other passenger a young man about thirty years old. The entire time I was on the plane I kept looking at him. He seemed so familiar to me. He reminded me of someone but I didn’t know who. Finally, we were about a half-hour from our destination I started a conversation with him. I ask him his name and he said, ” my name is Johnathan. “

I stared at him for a moment and I thought what a weird coincidence. “Really, I once knew a Johnathan a long time ago. When I was in high school. He was my first serious boyfriend. And that is when it hit me. He reminded me of my old high school boyfriend, Johnathan. In fact, you kind of resembles him somewhat although I haven’t seen him since my high school graduation which was long ago.”

“Really, well where are you from?”

“I’m from New Jersey, Johnathan. Where are you from? Well, I was born in New Jersey but later my family moved to New York. But I was adopted so I don’t really know too much about my birth family. I do know my biological father’s name was Johnathan and my parents decided to name me after him since without him I would have been born.”

I felt a chill run up and down my back. “That is a coincidence. Do you know your birth mother’s name?”

“Yes, her name was Christine, she was still in high school when she became pregnant and she decided to give me up since she didn’t feel she was ready to be a parent.”

At this point, I felt a little faint. It was too much to believe that sitting across from me on this little plane was my son, who I hadn’t seen since I was eighteen years old and a senior in high school. “Johnathan, you probably aren’t going to believe this, but you are describing me. My name is Christine, and my high school boyfriend’s name was Johnathan. And I gave up my son to be adopted by a wonderful couple whose name was Marie and Arthur Klein.”

Johnathan stared at me and then a big smile crossed his face. And he said, ” that is my parents’ names. You are my birth mother. I always knew I would meet you someday. And I wanted to thank you for making the decision to have me and give me to the most wonderful parents anyone could ever have. It must have been so hard for you to do that. Can I give you a hug?

By this time I was shaking and crying. I could not imagine how all of this took place. But I have never felt so blessed as I did that day when I met my son for the second time in my life. And it was the most wonderful experience I could imagine. We spent the rest of the trip telling each other about our lives. We hugged each other and promised we would stay in touch. And we have I speak to him several times a month and we are planning on taking a trip together, maybe a cruise.

You just never know what surprises will occur in your life. I could imagine anything better than meeting my son and getting to know him as an adult and being able to spend time with him. You never know what life is going to bring to you. You never know the challenges that will come your way. You just have to take one day at a time and do your best.

Hello, Write on Followers I will be on vacation starting Saturday, April 7th. and I won’t be posting again for one week.

Susan A. Culver

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