It has been six months since I signed my final divorce papers were signed. This could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on whether you want a divorce or not. I was not the one seeking a divorce. It never even occurred to me that I would ever get a divorce. I married for life.

And then, two days before our twenty-fifth anniversary, my husband sent me an email from work. An email, can you believe it? And it said, sorry Cassie, but I can no longer live this lie. I haven’t loved you for a long time. Life is short. I’ve found my true love, and I have filed for divorce. I hope you will find “real” love and happiness in the future. I know this is the best thing for both of us. My lawyer will be contacting you.

 

My first thought was, oh that Charlie, he’s such a joker. And then I laughed and laughed. I kept laughing up until I decided to go upstairs to our bedroom and check his closet. It was empty except for his old slippers that had a hole in the sole of the right slipper. I must have stared at the empty closet for fifteen minutes. Until I finally realized that if this was one of his jokes, it wasn’t funny at all. Then I grabbed my cell phone and called Charlie’s cell. The message said, phone number disconnected. I called his boss’s office and asked, “did Charlie come to work today? “Oh hello, Cassie,” no, of course not, didn’t Charlie tell you he was transferred to the Milwaukee office. Today is his first day there. But, you knew that already I’m sure.”

“Oh yes, of course, he did. It slipped my mind. I’ve been so busy. He forgot to give me his new cell number could you give me that. I have to tell him something important.”

“Of course, I’ll text it to you right now. However, he might still be on the road. I was surprised that you didn’t show up for his Bon Voyage party yesterday. We missed seeing you. “

“Oh yeah, the Bon Voyage party. I have been running around like a crazy person trying to get ready for the move. Take care, and I’ll talk to you soon.”

I ended the call, and then I plopped down on the floor and cried like a baby for a good hour. I felt like my heart actually broke. It was beating very hard, painfully hard. I thought I might be having a heart attack. I cried until I ran out of tears. I was having trouble breathing. I think I must have passed out for a while.

When I came to my senses, I was splayed out on the floor. I crawled over to the bed and pulled myself up. The little voice inside my head was screaming, “how could you be so stupid? All the nights that Charlie stayed at work ’till midnight. He slept on the couch all night and told me he had work to do on the computer and didn’t want to keep me up. He barely gave me a peck on the cheek when he left to go to work or for a work trip. How could I be so stupid?” Of course, he was having an affair. I just wouldn’t let myself see it.

Charlie and I were high school sweethearts, the prom King, and Queen. We attended the same university together. Sophomore year we moved into an efficiency apartment together. We were inseparable. We were so happy with just the two of us that we decided that we didn’t want children. We agreed that our lives were complete with just him and me. And now here I am twenty-five years later. No Charlie, no kids, just an empty house and me. And that is when it occurred to me that Charlie would probably hire his best friend Kevin Gipson, the most cutthroat divorce lawyer, to represent him, and I would be left with nothing.

Two hours later, I was sitting in the office of Mary Cunningham. She and I attended the University of Penn together. She attended law school and headed her own top-notch firm. And I majored in Biology, and for the past ten years, I have dedicated my life to saving our environment, and it has been an uphill battle the whole time.

And what this tells you is that I am not a person that gives up easily or ever. I will fight up until I breathe my last breath. But because of my commitment to saving the planet, I am often absent or missing in action, as Charlie says at least once a day. He kept telling me that I was an absentee wife. Charlie doesn’t believe a woman’s career is as important as a man’s. I disagreed.

Six months later, we met at Charlie’s lawyer’s office. He sat there looking like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. He even smiled at me and said, “I hope you are doing well.”

As soon as I looked at him, I felt bile rise in my mouth. I asked if I could get a drink of water. And like magic, it appeared in front of me in less than a minute. I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. At least he didn’t try to extend the conversation. I felt like leaping across the table and choking him. I tried to calm myself. I knew things would only go from bad to worse if I lost it, even for a minute. I looked at him again, and he looked like a total stranger to me. The Charlie I loved and cherished just didn’t exist any longer. I knew I was mourning a marriage that had died a long time ago when neither of us was paying attention.

My lawyer, Mary Cunningham, was having a conversation with Charlie’s lawyer. I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying to each other. I tried to calm myself. I felt like everything that had happened in the last month was out of my control, Charlie’s departure and the end of my marriage. It was as if everything was fast forward, and I had no way of controlling either the direction or how quickly things happened. I felt lost and empty.

After about a half-hour of debate between the two lawyers, they completed an agreement of equitable divorce.  We each had our investments. I can live in the house until we sold it. Then we will divide the proceeds of all our assets except for those in our possession before our marriage. The lawyers shook hands, and so did Charlie and I. It felt so anti-climatic. As if it was a Fourth of July Fireworks Celebration and all the fireworks were duds. Charlie stood next to me and shook my hand and said, “no hard feelings Cassie, I hope you will find happiness in the future. And oh, by the way, Barb and I are going to have a baby. I thought you should hear it from me.”

“A baby, a baby? You told me you never wanted or needed to have children. That the two of would always be enough. “

Well, feelings change. And besides, Barb wants to be a stay-at-home mom with the baby. She feels that women that have children should raise them and not shuttle them off to daycare and babysitters. She believes having a child is a commitment, not a choice.”

“Oh, is that right, Charlie. Well, good luck to you both. I feel as if I’m talking to a stranger. I don’t know what else to say. Congratulations on the baby. My lawyer will contact you regarding the sale of our house; I mean the house. Goodbye.”

Some part of me wanted to reach out and hug him one more time. It all seemed so unreal to me. I felt my lip quiver a bit, and I was afraid I was going to start bawling in front of Charlie and the lawyers. And that’s when Charlie reached out and pulled me close to him and said, “I’m so sorry for hurting you. I didn’t plan any of it. It just happened. I felt like you left me a long, long time ago. I wish only the best for you in whatever your future brings to you.”

I took a deep breath and swallowed, and managed to hug him back. I couldn’t believe it would be for the last time. “Goodbye, Charlie. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss you. I will. I do wish you happiness as well. Goodbye, take care.

And I turned around and shook Mary Cunningham’s hand and said,” I’ll contact you when our house sells. I was just offered the lead position with the Office of Global Change in the Department of State. I believe I will finally be able to make a real difference now.”

“Cassie, I wish you only the best. I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. I know that you will do great things in your life. And I will be able to say I knew you when.”

Then we shook hands and turned and walked in different directions. I didn’t hear from him again until his baby was born, and he sent me a picture. I congratulated him. And I was truly happy that he had a life that made him truly happy as he seemed to be.

And I was happy in my work, which was always paramount to me. I knew that whatever happened now would make a difference not just to me but to the world at some level. I got ready for bed because tomorrow would bring me more challenges, and I would meet them.

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