I woke up in the middle of the night with a slight throb in my lower right molar. I probed it gently with my finger. I felt a small lump on the gum underneath the tooth. Oh god no I thought not another tooth problem. I looked into the medicine cabinet and found a bottle of aspirin and threw it back two with a gulp of water. I went back to bed and hoped for the best.

Unfortunately, in the morning it isn’t better. Now the whole right side of my face is aching, and even my ear is hurting. I walk toward the bathroom like I’m walking to my execution slowly, and hesitantly. I don’t have my glasses on but even without them, I can see in the mirror that my face on the right side looks like I have the mumps.

I open my mouth. When the cool air hits my tooth I think the top of my head will explode. I probe around again with my finger and the lump on my gum was now a horrible yellowish color. I stare into the abyss. God no, not another abscess, I just didn’t understand why this kept on happening to me.

I brush and floss twice a day. I have a check-up every six months. What the hell is going on? If that freaking dentist tells me I need another root canal I’ll just go out of my mind. I’ll just have the damn thing pulled out. That’s it, pull that thing out, and forget about it.

I dose myself again and put a heating pad on my face. I call my office. “Louise, I have a tooth problem. I’m going to have to get an emergency dentist appointment. Can you please cancel all my appointments for the day? Yes, I know I had a ten o’clock appointment with Mr. Cochran. I’m not going to be able to make it. My whole face is swollen. I’m in pain. Yes, yes, I know I just had a tooth problem recently. Just cancel my appointments already, will you?” God, sometimes I just hated that woman; she argues more with me than my ex-wife.

My freaking dentist is on vacation. The answering service gives me the number of a dentist that’s filling in for him. A young guy, what else can go wrong? With my luck, he won’t speak English, or he’ll have just graduated from dental school or something.

I get an appointment for two hours from now. The painkillers are doing nothing. God, I wish right now my ex was here she always had some oxy or something in her purse. She popped those things all day like tic tacs.

I go early to the dentist, maybe he’s a fast worker, and is waiting for me. No such luck he is overbooked, and I have to wait an hour. At one point I almost started to cry it hurt so damn much. I rush up to the reception window. “Miss, miss, my name is Tony Barra. I have an appointment at 10 am. I’ve been waiting, I’m in pain, when is the doctor going to see me?”

“I know Mr. Barra as I explained to you fifteen minutes ago, the Doctor is running behind, he’ll see you shortly. She closes the window and takes out her cell and starts scanning her messages. I tap on the window to no avail. She’s engrossed in her phone messages. I sit down and wait.

Finally, finally, they call me in, the assistant is in her early twenties, very pretty. I could care less I’m nearly delirious with pain. She sits me down, tells me to turn off my cell phone. She puts that stupid napkin and the clip thing around my neck. “So, sir, what seems to be the problem this morning?”

“The problem, the problem is if you had eyes in your head, my face is swollen up the size of a watermelon. I’m in terrible pain, since last night, I have an abscessed tooth. I open my mouth, the air hits it, and I let out a little scream. I think I might vomit any minute.

“Well sir, we’ll leave that to the doctor to determine, right now I’m going to have to take an x-ray. She jams the film in my mouth and I almost hit her. She steps back. Sir you are going to have to calm down. Or I’ll have to call the doctor in here.”

“Yes, yes please do call the fricking doctor in here, about damn time.”

She stamps out of the room. The doctor comes in. I’m right on both counts he’s really young, maybe right out of kindergarten. Maybe a little older but his English is very difficult to understand. This is my lucky day. I should have bought a lottery ticket on the way over I’m really feeling lucky wow.

“Hello Mr. Barra, how are you doing today? I’m Dr. Wong”

“Well Doctor, if you are indeed a doctor, how do I look like I am doing?”

“Well let’s take a look, shall we?” He starts probing around in my mouth with one of the sharp curved dental instruments of torture. “Does this hurt, how about that?”

I feel my hands starting to form fists. I put my hand up in the universal sign for stop. I can’t really speak because he has both his hands and possibly one of his feet in my mouth. He removes one of his hands, “Hurts, hurts, hurts.” I say around his hand.

The assistant appears at the doorway and says from a distance. “Here is the film doctor.” She disappears as quickly and quietly as she appears.”

Doctor Badlove says, “It appears as if there is an abscess and the infection has spread to the two teeth adjacent to it, that is unfortunate.”

Yes, I think to myself that is unfortunate, isn’t it?

“Well Mr. Barra, you may lose the tooth with the initial infection. We’ll have to do root canals on the other two. How would you like to proceed? Shall we get started today?”

“Doctor I would rather have all my teeth removed than endure another root canal, any other solutions?”Well actually I do have a suggestion, I could use a new type of anesthesia that doesn’t put you to sleep, but makes you feel very relaxed and somewhat groggy. Some people feel a little groggy afterward but it wears off fairly quickly. If you agree we can take care of all three teeth now. Perhaps I’ll be able to save the badly infected tooth, once I see what it looks like. What do you say sound good to you?”

I think work gets done all at once, no pain, go home relaxed. “Yes, I can live with that plan, do it.”

“Alright first I’ll give you a local anesthetic then I’ll use the sedation, which you will inhale through a mask that my assistant will place over your nose. Open your mouth and I will inject the anesthetic. Very good, my assistant will be here in a few moments and then the next thing you know, you will be done, and out of here.

You will have to take antibiotics for ten days. You’ll get aftercare instructions. You have to come in for a follow-up visit in ten days. Of course, if there are any problems please feel free to call.”

The next thing I remember is opening my eyes up and seeing the very young dentist standing before me. At least I think it’s the dentist but he looks different somehow. He has a mask on over his nose and mouth. But there is something different about his face.

Then I realize his eyes are heavily made up and he’s wearing high heels, and a skirt and blouse under his white jacket. The blouse is lime green, and the skirt is kind of frilly looking. He has green dangling earrings.

Oh, I must be dreaming or having some kind of drug-induced hallucination. The next thing I know the assistant is helping me sit up and take the napkin off of my neck.

“Ok Mr. Barra, luckily the doctor was able to save all of your teeth, you will experience some discomfort. The doctor is giving you a pain prescription if it’s too uncomfortable. Take your time. There’s a room to your left that says recovery room. Please go in there and sit until you feel well enough to drive, then you can leave. Good day, Mr. Barra, I hope you feel better soon.

I walk somewhat wobbly to the Recovery Room. There’s no one else in there at the moment. I sit down and think about the doctor, and how I remember him being dressed. No, it can have happened, just some weird side effect of that anesthetic.

I sit for a good half hour, but that weird image keeps popping into my mind. I try dismissing it. I start feeling more myself. My mouth is still numb, and drool is running out of my mouth so I wipe it off and prepare to leave.

Just as I’m standing up to leave, Doctor Wong sticks his head in the doorway. He’s dressed normally. I feel a sense of relief wash over me. “Oh, Mr. Barra you’re still here. How are you feeling?”

“Oh, pretty good, but my mouth is still numb.”

” That’s perfectly normal it will wear off slowly in the next couple of hours. Call my office if there’s any problem, any problem at all.”

Just as he is turning away, I notice he has on one of the green dangling earrings.