Tag Archives: woods

COG IN THE WHEEL

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I opened my eyes one at a time. It was painful. It felt as if my eyelids had been glued shut. My head was pounding painfully with each beat of my heart. I gingerly raised my head to get a better look around. I could only see the dark and dreary sky above me. And the smell, dear god, was overwhelming. I tried to sit up, but it felt like my arms were paralyzed. I shifted my body from side to side.

I struggled to sit up. I contemplated what events might have brought me to my present predicament. I couldn’t remember what happened to me. I wondered if I had been drugged. Had I been kidnapped? Why would anyone kidnap me and stick me in this hole? I didn’t have any enemies that I was aware of. I worked as an accountant in a corporate office. I was just another cog in the wheel of a corporation. In this case, Big Pharma.

And that is when it came to me. One of the corporate Vice Presidents tried to blackmail me into giving him information in advance about when a certain new drug would be put on the market for sale. In other words, insider trading. And we all know what happened to Martha Stewart. She spent five months in prison and five months under house arrest. And she was rich and famous. You know, I would spend the rest of my life behind bars. Why? Because I’m a nobody. No one who matters knows or cares about me or would miss me.

I had lived a life of relative anonymity. I never even got a parking or speeding ticket. I was approached several times and offered financial incentives to give them the information they wanted. And then I was threatened. In fact, I was harassed by threatening phone calls and anonymous phone calls. At all times of the night and day. The last thing that happened was that I received a call late at night. The phone kept ringing and ringing. For some reason, the voicemail didn’t pick up the call. I stumbled out of bed to phone. I grabbed the phone and said, “who the hell is this? You better stop harassing me, or I’m going to report this to the police and to the President of the company. Do you understand? Stop contacting me. And then I slammed the phone down as hard as I could. I was surprised that I didn’t break the phone.

The phone rang again just as I was getting back into my bed. I answered the phone, and I heard a low, raspy voice say,” this is your last chance. If you don’t give me the information I need, you are going to find yourself in a deep, dark hole. Do you understand?”

I slammed the phone down again and again. And that’s the last thing I remember until I woke up wedged into what felt like a shallow grave. Luckily, they didn’t put dirt on top of me, or I wouldn’t be alive at this moment. They must have gotten scared away or, something worse, killed.

I managed to get my right arm out of the hole. So, I moved my body in that direction ever so slowly. I got my left arm out. And then I sat up. I was stiff as a board. I wondered how long I had been in the hole and why they hadn’t finished the job of burying me alive or just killing me.

And just as I was about to attempt to crawl out of the hole, I heard two men’s voices moving toward my location. I didn’t think I had enough time to scramble out of the hole. On the other hand, if I didn’t get out of the grave, I never would because they were going to finish the job. So, I used every ounce of my remaining strength to pull myself out of the hole. And I stood up and ran like the devil himself was running directly behind my footsteps and I feel his foul breath on the back of my neck.

My adrenaline was high because I knew I was running for my life. My heart was pounding like a snare drum. I took off through the woods. I had no idea where I was or where I was going. I wondered if these would be the last moments of my life. I thought about my wife and my kids. And how my death would affect them. And that thought propelled me forward. It was as if I had the wings of Hermes on my feet. Hermes was considered to be the herald of the gods. He was worshiped because it was believed that he was the protector of humans. And if anyone needed protection in this time, it was me.

I heard what sounded like a river ahead of me, so that was the direction that I headed. I could see that there was a fast-moving stream in front of me. It was lit by a full moon high in the sky. I took this as a good sign. Luckily, my kidnappers didn’t take my shoes off of my feet, or I wouldn’t have been able to cross the stream. Because there were large and small rocks lining the stream. I would have to be careful crossing it, or I could be carried away or pulled under by the current. I was not in the best of shape, nor was I a strong swimmer. I am not a religious person, but I knew that something or someone was giving me the strength and the courage to fight for my very life. And I wasn’t about to give up as long as I had a breath left in my body.

I made it to the other side of the river, and there was a thick stand of trees. It would be difficult for my kidnappers to see me. But, it would also be difficult, if not impossible for me to find my way through the forest without great difficulty. I decided to pick up a branch that was lying on the ground in front of me and swing it back in forth in front of me and warn me of any upcoming hazards in my path.

I saw a light in the distance. I couldn’t imagine what it was. And then the thought occurred to me that maybe it was campers sitting by the firelight. I took a deep breath and ran like my life depended upon it. As I got closer, I saw the silhouette of what appeared to be two men, and I could hear them talking quietly to one another. I decided to move towards them slowly. I didn’t want to startle them. Because they might think it was an animal approaching and would shoot me. So, I carefully made my way toward them.

When I got within earshot of them, I called out, “hello, hello, I need help. hello.“ One of the men must have seen me in the moonlight. And he said, “we have guns, don’t try anything funny. Or it will be the last thing you do. I said, “I don’t have any weapons. I put my hands up in the air and approached their camp.

One of the campers was a large, burly-looking man who looked like he could crush me with one hand and said, “who are you, and what are you doing running through the woods in the dark? Are you trying to kill yourself or something? I stood before him, trying to catch my breath.” I‘m being chased by two men who kidnapped me. They are trying to get information from me because I work for a pharmaceutical company and have information that could make them a lot of money.”

“OK, buddy, that’s too far-fetched an idea for you to make up. Sit down, and catch your breath.“ He handed me a cup with water in it. I gulped it down. I felt like I hadn’t had a drink in a week. My throat was so dry. When I finally caught my breath, I said, ” these two guys are chasing me. They’re going to be here any minute. No doubt they have weapons.”

“OK, well, we both have guns, so don’t worry. But I think we can convince them that we haven’t seen you and get them to leave. Go in the tent and hide behind our equipment. Don’t come out until we tell you to.”

So, I pushed the tent flap open and went to the very back, and hid behind a cot that had blankets hanging down both sides. There was a sleeping bag on it as well. I tried to keep as still as possible and slowed my breath down, and put my head on top of my folded arms. I couldn’t hear anything except the wind moving through the trees and some night birds calling out to one another.

And then I heard two voices calling out, “hey, you two have you seen a friend of ours? He got separated from us, and we think he got lost in the woods. He’s a man about forty years old, slightly balding, wearing a shirt and dark pants?”

“No, we haven’t seen a guy in a shirt and pants or anybody. It is the middle of the night out in the woods. Why are you wandering around in the woods in the middle of the night? Are you camping around here somewhere?”

“Camping? Yeah, yeah, we were camping on the other side of that river, and our friend took a walk, and we guess he got turned around and got lost. We’ve been looking for about an hour. We think this is the direction he was headed. Are you sure you didn’t see anybody?”

Of course, we’re sure. Why in the hell would anybody take a walk in these woods in the middle of the night? It gets damn cold out here at night. You could die from hypothermia.“

“Well, I guess he didn’t know any better. We should be on our way, or we won’t stand a chance of finding our friend tonight.”

“Yeah, well, if you ask me, it doesn’t make any sense for you two to go looking for your friend in the dead of night. Next thing you know, you’ll all be lost, and then we’ll have to get the rangers to come out and look for you. Go back to your camp until morning and then call for help. The guy will probably hunker down somewhere. There are quite a few caves he could spend the night in around here. But, you’ll never find him in the dark.“

“Well, I think we’ll keep looking. Thanks.”

“Good luck, you two. You’re going to need it. If you don’t come back this way tonight, we’ll notify the authorities in the morning that there are now three of you missing instead of one lost in the woods.”

“Not necessary. We’ll all be fine. Goodbye.”

And with that, they headed deeper into the woods. “OK, buddy, you can come out. They’re gone. They do look like they’re not playing games. Maybe you better come with us, and we’ll take you into the sheriff’s office in the nearest town, Mapleton. There’s a sheriff’s office there, and you can explain everything that has happened to you. And they can call in the state police or the Feds. You’ll be safe, and they’ll catch those guys who will no doubt be lost in the woods by now. And they didn’t have any supplies with them. So, they are going to be thirsty, tired, and hungry. You’re safe now. Let’s go. There’s my truck over there. It will take about forty minutes to get there. And cell phones don’t work out here. We’ll have to wait until we get closer.”

Meanwhile, the two criminals were steadily getting deeper and deeper into the woods. And it all looked alike. And before they knew it, they were completely and utterly lost. The heavier set of the two guys said,” I need to stop for a while. I’m dead tired and thirsty as hell. Do you have any water left?”

“Water, no, I don’t have any left. Do you know where we are? Because I haven’t got a clue?”

“No, I thought we were going North, but we’re not. We should have come out on the other side of the forest by now. But I think I see a cave ahead. We can stop there and rest for the rest of the night. What do you say?”

“Yeah, rest, let’s do that. We’ll start again in the first morning light.”

As they headed toward the cave, the smaller of the two said, “hey, what’s that noise?”

“Noise, what kind of noise?”

“Well, it sounds like some kind of low growl. What do you mean you don’t hear it?”
“Just as I said, I don’t hear anything. let’s get to the cave so we can get some rest. I can’t go any further tonight.

As the two of them entered the cave, they saw a bear cub in the back of the cave. ” The fat guy said, that looks like a bear. We better get the hell out of here. And then they both heard a loud growl, almost a roar. They turned as one and saw what must be the mother or the father of the cub. And he had his mouth wide open and was roaring like a lion. And then he rushed up to the two of them and swiped his huge paw and arm across their necks and faces. and they both fell to the ground and didn’t move again. The bear called out to his cub, and the two of them slowly meandered out of the cave and into the dark night.

The next morning the woodsman took the accountant to town to the sheriff’s office, and he gave a report about his harrowing experience. The sheriff’s office notified the Feds of their location and told them where the accountant was at their office. Later that day, the Feds arrived and took the report of the accountant’s experiences, and notified his family that he was alive and well and on his way home.

The Fed’s spent two days searching for the two criminals but were never able to find hide nor hair of them. They believed they had given up searching for the accountant and returned from whence they came. But they were never heard from again. And the accountant was able to go back to his family and his job. And his life went on, but he had learned a lesson. Do the right thing, and you will persevere in life.

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PART 2- ON THE WALK BACK TO GLAMPING CAMPING

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Joe and Frieda are hiking at a fairly fast clip and Kathie‘s getting a little out of breath since she already walked quite a distance. “Hey, you guys would you mind taking a short break before we make the rest of the hike back to the camp. I’m kind of bushed?”

“What? Of course not, no problem. I know a place up ahead about a quarter of a mile where we can rest on the beach near a gorgeous lake and cool off. What do you think? Would you like to do that? They also have a cabana there where you get a cold drink and some snacks. How’s that sound?”

“That sounds great, I would love to sit on the beach and have a cold drink. Let’s go for it.”
“Awesome, we could even take a dip in the lake and cool off. We went swimming there yesterday. And the water was so clear, you can see straight to the bottom of the lake. I’m sure you’ll love it.”

“Oh Frieda, I don’t have my bathing suit on under my clothes.”

“Oh, that’s not going to be a problem, don’t worry about it.” After about twenty minutes Kathie can hear people talking and laughing. The closer they got to the lake the louder the voices got louder. She doesn’t hear any kids yelling or playing.

“Oh, here we are Kathie, we know some of the people that are here because we come camping here almost every summer. I think you’ll love them as such open-minded and fun-loving people. I know you’ll love them, Kathie.”

Kathy can see the lake now, and it does look beautiful. “Wow, this is wonderful. No kids here, huh? That’s not a bad thing, it’s just that all the beaches I’ve been to in New Jersey were swarming with families and kids of all ages.”

“Oh, I guess I forgot to mention this is an adult beach only. But there are other lakes here that are family beaches, but all of them are clothing optional. I would have said something before, but most people know that before they come here. Although I guess Glamping Clamping doesn’t advertise it.”

“You’re kidding, I had no idea.” As Kathie looks up and down the beach, she sees that about one-half the people are wearing bathing suits and the other half, nothing. She decides that it doesn’t really bother her that much and plops down on the beach. “Well, I never went to a nude beach before, but I guess it’s not a big deal. But I think I’ll have to work up to it. Right now, I think I’ll just go get a cold drink and a snack.”

Kathie was relieved that the guy selling the drinks and snacks was wearing swimming trunks. “Hi, could I get a tall ice tea with ice?”

“Sure, coming right up. Is this the first time you came here to Glamping Camping? I don’t remember seeing you here before?”

“Yep, first time, turns out this is going to be my first time doing a lot of things here.”

The waiter chuckled, and said, “don’t worry you’ll get used to it.”

“Yes, I guess you can get used to anything, eventually, Thanks. “

I head back to where my new friends are standing on the beach and I’m somewhat surprised to see them standing in a group of people sans clothing. “Oh boy, here we go. Take a deep breath and keep walking Kathie. I said to myself.

“Oh, here she is now. I was just telling our friends here how we met you on the trail on our way here.’

I smiled and kept my eyes averted. I’m quite sure it is going to take me more than a little while to get used to talking to total strangers who are naked. “Oh hello, everyone, it’s so nice to meet you all. I was lucky to run into Joe and Freida this morning since I lost my way for a little bit. I never had a great sense of direction.”

Then everyone started introducing themselves to me, one by one. And I said jokingly, “I think it would be a lot easier if you all had name tags and I would remember your names better. Then I blushed, but they all laughed. And then I said, “Or not, LOL.”

Frieda said, “that’s a good one.” And she laughed.

“I think I’ll take a walk around the lake and check it out. It really is beautiful here.”

A young guy about my age asks me, “would you like some company?”

“Ah, yes, sure. I guess.”

“Oh, I’ll be right back I’m going to put on my swimming trunks since I know you are a newbie.”

I just stood there trying to decide if I was alright with the turn of events or if I wanted to run far, far away really fast. I decided to wait for him to return. I took a deep breath and waited. I decided I would wait and tell him I just wasn’t comfortable with the whole clothing-optional lifestyle.

After a couple of minutes, he came towards me. I relaxed as he had put shorts on. I realized I didn’t even know his name.” I’m sorry if Freda told me your name, I seem to have forgotten it all ready.”

“She didn’t. My name is Paul, Kathie. So, let’s take our walk and you can tell me what you’ve been up to so far.”

“Well not much really, I only just arrived a short time ago and after I settled into my little house, I took a hike, and lo and behold I saw a huge black bear up a tree. And it really freaked me out. I started running without really paying attention and got somewhat lost and that’s when I ran into Freda and Joe. And then we came here and I found out this it was a clothing-optional beach. Surprise, surprise, surprise.”

“Actually, you took it pretty well, some people might have run away. I felt awkward when I first came here, but now I don’t even think about the nudity.”

“If you say so, but I think it is something that will take me more than a little while to get used to. “

“You’re fine, don’t worry about it. It’s a choice, like I said, you do whatever you feel comfortable doing.”

“I appreciate that Paul, and I think I’m more of a traditional kind of person and I’m going to stick to swimming with people that wear bathing suits. No judgment, just my own comfort level.”

“Alright, no pressure, but maybe we could get together for lunch before you leave?”

“Thanks, but I already have my week planned out, it was nice meeting you, take care.”

The look on his face was heartbreaking really, but I turned and start walking away all the same. I felt bad if I hurt his feelings. But before I took this trip, I decided I was going to start listening to my inner voice and not to everyone around me. I felt proud that I was able to speak up for myself, but I felt a little guilty for hurting him.

I start hiking towards my little house and believe it or not I arrive there relatively unscathed and intact. I walk over to my little house and decide to take a shower and then a nap. It’s only about one 0’clock in the afternoon, but it had been a long day of traveling and hiking and weird experiences.

As I approach my little house, I can’t help but notice that the door is wide open. I walk slowly up to the door and peek in. I think well maybe housekeeping is in there? Nope, can’t be that I just arrived and it doesn’t need cleaning. Maybe, someone broke in and stole my belongings. Well, I had my wallet with me, and I didn’t bring any jewelry with me. Well, maybe a plumping problem?

I’m afraid to walk in so I just stick my head inside the door and I can’t help but notice that there is something or someone lying on top of my bed. What the heck is going on. I hear a loud sound, which I realize is snoring. But who or what is it? And then the snorer turns over and I see a hairy black face and I realize there is a hairy black body to go with it.

At first, my mind refuses to accept the reality of what I’m seeing. It is a bear; it is most likely The Bear that I saw earlier in the day up in the tree. What the heck, am I Goldilocks, are there three bears in there. I scream at the top of my lungs and run the fasted I have ever run in my life to the manager’s office.

I am so overwrought and freaked out that once I arrive at the office. I throw open the door and yell at the top of my voice, “BEAR, BEAR, BEAR.  There’s a Bear in my bed in my tiny house.”

The Manger takes his time responding to me, or even looking up. “What, a bear? That’s highly unlikely Miss.”

I scream again, ‘There’s a bear in my bed in my tiny house.”

“Well, I’m sure your mistaken. But, let’s go have a look shall we.”

My heart is beating so hard it feels like it might explode. “OK, that’s my house there, the one with the door wide open and he’s sleeping on my bed.”

“Sleeping on your bed, oh surely you’re mistaken.” If looks could kill this guy would be dear. I’m so mad at him for not taking me seriously.

He is about to walk into the house when I grab his arm and say, “are you insane? He’ll kill you, he’s huge, and by that, I mean HUGE.” He laughs at me and steps in through the doorway. I step back and then I move about ten feet away from the door to the right. If and when this bear comes running out, I don’t want to be in his path.

And that is when I hear the manager screaming, and running in my direction, he is yelling, ‘RUN, RUN, RUN.’

And I run toward the office. The manager is directly behind me, for an old guy he can really move. “GET IN CLOSE THE DOOR. GET IN.” And then he locked the door behind us and we pushed his desk up against it. As we are looking out the door window, we see the bear ambling away, ever so slowly. He’s not in any kind of rush. He swings his huge head in our direction and gives us what looks like a big, toothy grin. And then he heads back towards the woods.

Meanwhile, we are both shaking and out of breath, “dear god, I’ve never been more frightened in my life, he could have killed me with a swipe of his gigantic paw. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.”

“Maybe, I’m overreacting, but I believe that I need a vacation from this vacation. Between naked people swimming in the lake and bears sleeping in my little house, I think it’s time for me to go home.”

“Now miss, please reconsider, this is your first day, I’m sure it was just an aberration.”

“Nope, nope, I’m leaving and I’m sure you will give me a complete refund for this week considering what has happened here today, I’m sure you don’t want me to give you a bad review this early in the season.”

“Of course, no problem if you’re sure you won’t change your mind.”

“I’m sure, could you please walk me over to the tiny house so I can gather my belongings safely?”

“Yes, of course.”

He stuck his head out of the door and looked to the right and the left. No sign of the bear. “Looks like the coast is clear, let’s go.”

When we got back to my tiny house the door was all but torn off the hinges. We peeked in the door, and the bear was gone. “You first.” And he stepped into the room. The room looked like a cyclone had hit it. My clothes were strewn all over, the mattress was on the floor, as were the sheets, pillows, and quilt. “Good grief.”

“Ok, well, I’m just going to use the ladies’ room, gather all my belongings, could you please go back to the office and get my refund ready?”

“Yes, of course, I’m sorry this all happened. I hope in the future you might come again.”

I laughed and laughed. Then I went into the bathroom and took care of my business, gathered all my stuff, came back to the bedroom threw all my clothes in my suitcase. I took a good look around to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I put my stuff in the trunk of my car and drove it over to the manager’s office. He was waiting for me.

“Here’s a copy of the credit I applied to your credit card, I’m so sorry this happened. I can’t apologize too much. This sort of thing has never happened before.”

“Well, I say this for you. I have had a short but intense vacation. One that I will never forget. And I’m sure sometime in the distant future I’ll be able to laugh about this experience. But not today. Goodbye.

On the way home I thought, how will I ever top this vacation. And I headed back towards Route 9 and home.

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Don’t Go Walking After Midnight

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It’s my habit to take a long walk in the morning. At first, I only walked a half a mile each morning. But each week I increased it by one half a mile. After five weeks and I was up to five and a half miles a day. I think this is my limit for the time being. I keep a fairly quick pace, and so after the first two miles, my legs start to cramp up. This is my signal to keep walking faster until the cramps subside. And I don’t stop until I reach five- and one-half miles on my pedometer.

A walk in the Park

Park

I’m sure you are thinking but why are you telling me this? Could this be more boring? Honestly, it could become quite mundane. But it isn’t, and the reason is this. Every day when I take a walk, something weird happens. Or I meet someone that I knew in the past and haven’t seen for years. Sometimes I meet someone unbelievably interesting or horrifyingly strange.

How is that possible? I’m glad you asked. I have absolutely no idea how it is possible. I only know that it is god’s own truth. Let me begin by telling you that I’m an ordinary person. I’m middle-aged. Not breathtakingly beautiful or hideous. Just average, at least to look at.

I have lost about fifteen pounds over the course of the past six months since I started walking. I have what used to be called dirty brown hair with a touch of gray. I think I look somewhat younger than my age, which is forty-two. When young I was known for my deep dimples. Unfortunately, as I grew older, the once adorable dimples turned into wrinkles.

But within me, I have always believed I was special, highly intelligent, and creative. I’m really funny in a sarcastic, snarky kind of way. I’m often the center of attention at parties. And to be perfectly honest, for some reason, weird people are attracted to me.

Here’s an example to prove my point. This happened years ago.  I was shopping at this store. that no longer exists. It was called Edmond’s Scientific. It was a manufacturing company that made scientific glass and telescopes and similar items for laboratories.

But within the four walls of Edmond’s Scientific outlet store was very diverse, and might I say an odd assortment of objects for sale beside the scientific glassware. They sold science kits for all the nerdy science kids, seashells and bones and rocks of every kind, fossils and toy dinosaurs and mirrors that distorted your image. And random gadgets that I could never ascertain their purpose.

I was always attracted to the picture books of oddities. I always found things like Siamese twins who had one body but two heads or sheep with one eye fascinating. Stuff like that, yes, that’s a little odd. But if we were all completely candid, we would admit we have an attraction to all things weird and unconventional.

But I digress, that day while I was cruising the isles of Edmund Scientific, a middle-aged man comes over to me and starts talking rapidly. He kept asking me if I would be interested in going to a nearby flea market with him where he sold things to make money.

I was barely able to focus on what he was saying because I am transfixed by his appearance. He was shorter than I, and I’m about five feet with heels. He had a slack but somehow animated face. Which is an odd combination, I know? But true nonetheless. He had a unibrow that went from one side of his forehead to the other. He had a scrawny goatee that is white and braided. And an earring that was a shrunken head. And the really fascinating thing was the ring of toothpaste around his mouth. It was gross, and yet I couldn’t stop staring at it. As I thought, does he know that is on his face? Doesn’t he feel it? Did he look in the mirror after brushing? I had an irresistible urge to wipe his face off with a handi-wipe. At the same time, I wanted to get as far away as possible.

I am always been confronted by these two conflicting but irresistible feelings. Being attracted and repelled at the same time. I chose to run swiftly out the door and into my car. And drove away as quickly as it’s possible. I often wonder if I am somehow inviting this type of attention. But if I am, I didn’t know the mechanism. Nor how to stop it.

Anyway, I digress, since I first start going to Washington Park I went very early in the morning. In the late Spring, that was about six AM. I found that about eighty percent of the people who go out at first light are very mundane, and the other twenty percent of them are quite odd. There are groups of buff young men that go to play tennis. I have to admit I stop and watch them for quite a while. Although I am almost middle-aged, I’m still breathing. What can I say?

Then there are the people who meet every morning in the parking lot and then walk in groups. They keep up at a fairly decent clip but aren’t averse to stopping and talking quite animatedly if someone is telling an exciting bit of gossip or story. These groups are usually of retirement age.

Then there are the older men who usually come alone and walk alone. I often say hi to these guys and everyone else for that matter but they rarely, if ever say hello back. In general, they prefer to keep human contact to an absolute minimum.

There’s a young woman that uses roller blades. She is quite athletic looking and wears tight clothes that are apparently meant to be aerodynamic. Her hair is short and very blond. I can’t emphasize how I envy her youth, athletic ability, and low body fat. In the time it takes me to travel around the park one time, she has gone around three times. I wave each time she passes me, but she’s wearing headphones and is apparently in the zone. And does not seem to be aware of the people around her.

One day I decide to go through the woods trail to increase the difficulty and calorie-burning effect of my experience. It was somewhat dark in the woods because of the trees. As I entered the dense canopy area, I hear a rustling in the woods. I was squinting at the tree-lined area, and I see what I believed to be two men running towards me at a very quick pace. I became momentarily frightened because I thought I was the only woman walking in the woodsy area in the early morning. As they were coming closer, I begin to scream at the top of my voice. Thinking I was about to be murdered or raped.

I hear them right behind me and quickly turn my head in that direction. And it is at this point I realize that the men that are chasing me were not men at all. But a deer rushing through the woods in my direction. I don’t know if I was more relieved or more embarrassed. And my main concern was that no one had seen me act like a hysterical woman. I am completely out of breath and sweating like nobody’s business. I stop to catch my breath. And then I start laughing hysterically. I realize that it was the best workout that I ever had.

As I was saying before I went off on that tangent. I am so inspired by the young blond woman on rollerblades that I decide to purchase my own skates. Also, I buy a helmet and knee pads. As a child, I learned to skate using the old fashion type of skates that you wore over your shoes and are tightened with a key.

If you made a sudden stop, the skates would come off the front of your shoe. And you would trip and fall on your knees if you put your hands out. If not, you would fall flat on your face. I was not particularly athletic, and most often I fell flat on my face. Either way, you chipped your front teeth or skinned your knees. I spent most of my early childhood with what was called road rash — heavily scabbed knees.

When I was in my early teens, I would walk downtown in Maple Shade, NJ, where I grew up, and catch the bus in front of the police station. For a quarter, you could take the bus to the Riverside Roller Rink. My friends and I would go there every Saturday morning and skate for three hours for fifty cents. I have to admit my skating skills never really improved. I always came home bruised and battered and scraped. But it was great fun.

So, my initial rollerblading experience at Washington Lake Park was not a complete success. I found that rollerblading on the cement sidewalk is not as easy as it looks. And there were many parts of the path that went uphill. I barely made it up those hills. And then there are the inevitable one hundred miles an hour hair raising trip downhill.

One day an older couple in their late sixties kept yelling at me.” Come on you can go faster than that.” I gave them the Italian salute. I can’t say I blame them because they passed me walking at a somewhat leisurely pace.

I was fifty years old when I decided to try rollerblading. This is probably not the best time in life to try rollerblading. You have neither the agility nor energy to keep up with the lithe young women in their early twenties as I found out. The other factor that I failed to take into consideration was that I did not know how to stop skating.

You’re supposed to point the toe of the skate down and this slows you down. And you slowly come to a complete and safe stop. Unfortunately, I did not know this. And the only way I was able to stop was to skate onto the grass and then fall over.

At this point, I decided to try rollerblading at a skating rink. So, one beautiful sunny day, I drove to the self-same Riverside Roller Rink I used to go to as a kid and went skating. And believe it or not, I was doing fabulously. Right up until the point where I start going very fast, and suddenly, I found my legs going up in the air. And you guessed it, my rear end went down. Hard. I couldn’t get up. I was in agony. I crawled over to the side of the roller rink and sat down and cried like a baby. And believe it or not, not one person came over to ask if I was alright. It turns out that I broke my tailbone. I wasn’t able to sit on a chair for six months. That was the end of my journey to be a skater.

As I was explaining before I went off on that tangent. One day I was walking through the woodsy part of the park, and I noticed a young woman pushing a baby carriage. She was staring down at the ground. As I walked past her, I asked her,” what are you looking at?”

“There’s a snake over here, and I’m afraid to walk past it. “

“Snake you say, I don’t think so. I’ve been coming to this park for a long time, and I’ve never seen any snakes. But there are no dangerous snakes in this part of NJ.”

So, I walk over to the “snake” and pushed it with my foot. And say,” See, it’s just a stick.” And then the “stick” started moving and made its way onto the grass and away. The young woman looks at me with an air of superiority and walks quickly away.  I say,” “whoops” to myself. And walk away.

Overall my time spent walking in the park was a positive experience. The main problem I have is dealing with my own paranoia. And the fact that I want to engage every person I see in some way big or small. I guess I’m both a paranoid and overly friendly person at the same time. I’m both the Yin and the Yang. But then aren’t we all to some degree. We are a bundle of inconsistencies and contradictions. My final advice is, get your ass in gear and enjoy the rays. But, watch your back.