Monthly Archives: October 2021

HAPPY ENDINGS COMES IN ALL DIFFERENT SIZES AND SHAPES

Life hasn’t always been a piece of cake for me. My mother was fifteen when she had me and gave me up since she was in no way ready to be a mother since she couldn’t even take care of herself.

Children playing in the yard.

It turns out I was a colicky baby and not your typical adorable baby that everyone falls in love with at first sight. It seems as if my mother never had prenatal care when she was pregnant with me and didn’t take care of herself let alone her unborn child. In fact, she hid her pregnancy from her family altogether.

When my mother went into labor she didn’t tell anyone and she gave birth to me with the help of her best friend. After I was born they dropped me off at the local hospital emergency room and she never looked back or gave me one thought after that. I was just a mistake in a long line of mistakes that she made throughout her messed up life.

As I was saying she left me at the emergency room. From there I was taken to the preemie room in the maternity ward. I’m sure the nursing staff did their best to take care of me. Apparently, I was not a good sleeper nor did I seem interested in drinking the formula they gave me. I cried non-stop morning, noon, and all night. At some point, they felt I was in stable condition and I was put in the care of the state and went to a foster care home. Where I lived for less than a year. Apparently, my inability to ever sleep through the night and screaming like a banshee made it difficult for the foster parents and kids to sleep through the night.

As a result, I was tossed from one foster home to another. No one seems to have any interest in adopting me. I felt alone in the world and rejected. But that all changed when I was sent to live with a foster family whose last name was Corsican. They were truly the first kind and loving people I had ever known. They never made negative comments about how I looked.

Oh, I forgot to mention that apparently my birth mother or father or some distant forgotten relation to one of them had the biggest nose on the face of the planet and I inherited it. How lucky am I? I spent almost my entire childhood being called names like honker, schnoz, horse, beak, snout, Gonzo. Apparently one of the kids who called me Gonzo thought I looked like one of the muppets on TV.

Anyway the day my social worker came and picked me up and brought me to the Corsican’s house was the luckiest day of my life. As soon as we arrived at their house I knew life was looking up for me. The kids were running and playing all over the yard.

They were laughing and calling out each other’s names. Apparently playing some kind of game I was unfamiliar with. As soon as the social worker pulls up kids start running towards the car. I mentally prepare myself for the onslaught of name-calling.

All the kids came running up to the car window. And they all talk at the same time. “Hi, you must be Stevie we have been waiting all day for you to show up. Come on out and we’ll show you your room and stuff.”

“Go on Stevie, I’ll bring your suitcase in and I have to talk to the Corsicans.”

I open the door and get out of the car and someone grabs my arm and says,” you can be on my team. And just like that, I met my best friend, and it turns out her name was Billie Jean. That’s right my best friend is a girl.”

My social worker walks up to the front door and goes in to speak to the foster mom and says,” this is the last opportunity for Stevie in foster care. He has been moved from one placement to another. He has problems falling to sleep and staying asleep. He has been rejected by his own mother and her extended family. We have no clue who his father is. What I’m saying is this is his last chance to have any kind of normal life. If this fails he will be headed to a state residential treatment program and that rarely has a good ending.”

Mrs. Corsican takes a step back and says all in one breath. “Stevie will not fail here. I’ve dealt with kids with much worse backgrounds than he has had. Kids that grow up feeling rejected time and again develop trust issues with adults. I promise you that I and all the kids that live here will come to love and accept Stevie. I will create a plan to help him start sleeping better. I have no doubt that he will sleep better when he feels he is loved and accepted and that he has a place to live for as long as he needs it. “

“Thank you I knew this would be the solution for Stevie. Please keep me up to date with his progress. Feel free to contact me at any time. I mean that. I’m going to say so long to Stevie but please call me if you need my assistance in any way.

I walk back down the sidewalk and call out, “Stevie I’m leaving now. You have my phone number if you ever need to call me about anything.” Stevie gives me a wave and keeps playing with the other kids. My heart feels a little lighter now. I’m certain that this is the home that Stevie will have for the rest of his childhood and perhaps the family that he deserved his entire life. The family that loves and accepts one another regardless of how they look, the clothes they wear.  Or where they came from. This is the unconditional love that all children deserve. I smile all the way to the car and the ride back to my office. This is what a happy ending looks like for kids like Stevie.

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THAT WHICH DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER

Lizbeth walks slowly into the classroom with her head down. Her blond hair hung limply down over her face. Mrs. Anderson says, “Lizbeth please come over to my desk for a moment I have some school supplies and textbooks for you.”

Lizbeth shuffles over to Mrs. Anderson’s desk keeping her head low. “I would like to introduce you to the class since you are new here. Lizbeth quietly shakes her head back and forth. But Mrs. Anderson isn’t looking at her at that moment and doesn’t realize how uncomfortable Lizbeth is when attention is on her. “Class, please quiet down for a moment I would like to introduce a new student to you. This is Lizbeth Hess her family just moved to our town recently and she doesn’t know anyone here. I would like you to offer Lizbeth a warm welcome.”

Burning House

“Lizbeth, would you like to introduce yourself to the class and tell us a little bit about yourself?”

Lizbeth shakes her head more vehemently. But Mrs. Anderson isn’t looking at her she’s reprimanding Joey Lombardi. He was imitating how Lizbeth was standing with her head down and shaking her head no. All the kids are laughing at him but Lizbeth thinks that they are laughing at her and tears start running down her face onto the linoleum floor. She doesn’t say a word.

“Well, I guess Lizbeth is feeling a little shy today so I’ll introduce her. Lizbeth’s family just moved to our town recently as I mentioned a moment ago. Unfortunately, there was a fire at Lizbeth’s old house and her family lost everything. Lizbeth suffered some burns before she was able to escape the fire in her house. Fortunately Mr. Goodwin our mayor found out about Lizbeth’s family’s house burning down and offered to let them live in one of the houses he rents out. So now she’s going to attend our school. How about everyone giving Lizbeth a warm welcome by clapping.”

The kids all looked at Lizbeth and then at each other and a couple of kids start to clap and then the rest follow. Lizbeth doesn’t look up. If anything it looks as if she’s shrinking right before their eyes.

That is when Mrs. Anderson finally realizes that Lizbeth is very uncomfortable standing in front of the class and being the center of attention. And as she looks at Elizabeth she realizes that Elizabeth is wearing a dress that is much too small for her and her shoes are too big. And to make things worse she realizes that Lizbeth’s burns must be extremely painful. She realizes she has made an error in judgment by telling the class about Elizabeth while she was standing in front of the class.

Mrs. Anderson looks across the class and calls out, “Dolores Rafferty could you come up to my desk for a moment?”

Dolores looks at Mrs. Anderson and wonders what she could have done wrong. She jumps up from her chair nearly knocking it over. All the kids start laughing. And Dolores all but runs up to the teacher’s desk. “Yes, Mrs. Anderson. Did I do something wrong?” Mrs. Anderson leans down and says in a low tone so no one else can hear her, “What? No of course not Dolores. But I was wondering if you be so kind as to take Lizbeth back to her desk and if for the next week you would be so kind as to show Lizbeth around the school and introduce her to some of the other children. Just until she feels more at ease in her new surroundings?”

“What? Sure I can do that. I remember how lonely I felt when my family moved here from New Jersey and I didn’t know anyone. I can’t imagine how scared she must be because she lost her house and all her stuff.”

Mrs. Anderson looks over at Dolores and wonders how this young girl is so perceptive and she wishes she had done the same. “Thank you, Dolores. I’m sure you will be a good friend to her.”

Dolores walks over to Lizbeth and takes her hand and whispers,” Lizbeth my name is Dolores and I’ll show you where you are going to sit, and for the rest of the week if you would like you can walk with me until you get to know the school and your way around.”

Lizbeth slowly lifts her face up and looks at Dolores and quietly says, OK.” And then she takes Dolores’ hand in hers, and Dolores leads her to her new desk which just so happens to be next to hers. Lizbeth sits down and lifts up the desktop and sees that her school books are inside and there are pens and pencils, a ruler, and school books in there as well.

Mrs. Anderson says, “alright class please take out your history books and open up to page 127. And Martin will you read the first page to the class please?”

Martin takes a deep breath and sighs heavily. And opens up his history book to page 127 and begins to read in a monotonous voice. “Martin, could you please put some feeling into your reading so that the whole class doesn’t fall asleep while you are reading?”

Everyone laughs including Martin and even Lizbeth has a little smile on her face. The rest of the morning passes quickly and the lunch bell rings and Mrs. Anderson says,” alright class please put your books away and take out your lunches. Aisle one please start getting in line to go to lunch and so on. Please do not push or shove anyone and then proceed quietly to the lunchroom. When you get to the lunchroom please quietly take your seats. Keep all the talking at your lunch tables to a low roar. After lunch take it easy in the play yard. I don’t want anyone to get injured. I’ll see you back here at 12:30 PM on the dot. Understood?:

Everyone said in unison,” yes Mrs. Anderson. Except for Joel the class clown. After everyone says, “yes Mrs. Anderson, in a high squeaky voice, “Yes indeedy.” He likes to say something different every time the class was dismissed for lunch. The class always started laughing and didn’t stop laughing until they arrived outside the lunchroom and then quieted down. As if they hadn’t been making a racket the whole time. Mrs. Anderson never reacts to her class’s shenanigans as she thought it was better to finish the morning on a high note and it was harmless. Some of the other teachers didn’t agree with her. But no one had the nerve to tell her that to her face. Because Mrs. Anderson could be quite fierce when provoked.

Everyone sat down quietly in the lunchroom and begin eating their lunch. Some of the students trade lunches because their mothers pack the same lunch for them every day. And some of the kids bought their lunch. Lizbeth didn’t have a lunch bag with her and she didn’t have any money in her lunch account yet.

Dolores says,” Lizbeth would you please eat one half of my lunch for me? My mother always packs too much for me to eat. And she gets mad if I don’t eat it. It’s only a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and she gave me a huge piece of her chocolate cake and I can’t eat all of it. What do you say?”

Lizbeth looks at Dolores and says quietly,” peanut butter and jelly and chocolate cake are my favorite.”

“That’s great Lizbeth, you’re saving my life. Otherwise, my mother would be ranting and raving about me eating like a bird again.”

Lizbeth and Dolores eat quietly until three girls come over to the table and say, “Dolores we heard that there’s a new girl at your table. So we came over to meet her. Dolores said,” oh yes, this is Lizbeth she just moved to town recently and she doesn’t know anybody around here. So I’m showing her around. Lizbeth this is Marty, Kathy and the string bean is Anne Marie.”

The three smiling girls take a look at Lizbeth and their expressions change from a smile to a shocked look. Anne Marie says, “Hi Lizbeth it’s so nice to meet you. It’s so great getting a new kid here. We have all been going to school together since first grade. So now we can hear some new stories. Where are you from?”

“I lived in the next town over, Lenola.”

“Oh, how come you moved here?”

Lizbeth looks down at the table and doesn’t say anything right away. “Then she mumbles that “we had a fire in our house and couldn’t live there anymore. The three girls look at her and then at each other. “Anne Marie says, “oh that’s terrible did you lose all your clothes and stuff?”

Dolores gives Anne Marie a look that meant shut up. Lizbeth puts her head down again. And says in a low tone,” yes, everything.”

Marty, Kathy, and Anne Marie look at each other, and then Marty says, “Hey you look like you wear a size smaller than I do, would you like to come over to my house today after school and see if you could take some of the clothes off my hands that don’t fit me. You would be doing me a favor because my mother has been nagging me to clean out my closets and dresser of clothes that are too small. What do you say, Lizbeth?”

Ann Marie and Kathy and Dolores say, “Hey I was just about to say that too. How about it?”

Lizbeth looks at the four girls and gives them a big smile, “really, I would love to help you out and besides most of the clothes that Mr. Goodwin gave me are way too small or way too big.”

“Great, let’s do it. You can come to my house first, and then Marty and Kathy and Dolores’ house. You know what I just noticed Lizbeth you have beautiful blond hair. I always wanted blond hair but mine is just boring brown.”

Lizbeth looks at the four girls and they look back at her and what they see isn’t a girl who’s burned but a girl who needed friends and they were the lucky ones.

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INSOMNIA

If you’ve ever suffered from insomnia even for a short time you will understand how I feel. And why what happened on that particular night transpired. I have to say that I have lived my entire life sleep-deprived. My mother told me long ago when I was a baby and a young child, she had difficulty getting me to go to bed, fall asleep and stay asleep the entire night.

Nightmare Monster

Nightmare Monster

She told me sometimes it took her an hour to get me to go to bed and stay there. That I would get up many times and ask for water, or tell her I was hungry or that I had to go to the bathroom. Sometimes even after my parents and older siblings were all fast asleep, she would be awakened by me standing next to her bed and saying,” I can’t fall asleep or I had a terrible nightmare. Or she would get up to go to the bathroom sometime after midnight and find me lying on the floor eyes wide open. She would say,” Ellie why are you out of bed?” You need to go back to your room and go to sleep you have to go to school in the morning and I have to go to work. Please, please go back to your room and get some sleep.”

My father worked the night shift and I rarely saw him. I wouldn’t dare go into my parent’s room when he was home at night. He would yell, “what is that kid doing in our room again, can’t you make her stay in her bed?”  My mother said, “I did, she has trouble sleeping and she becomes frightened when she is lying awake in the dark. She has a vivid imagination.

“Put her to bed and make her stay there or I’ll lock her in there and make her sorry she doesn’t stay in her room at night.”

My father had a short fuse and I had no doubt that he would make me sorry for not staying in bed.

“Come on Ellie let’s go back to your room and I will sit with you until you fall asleep.” And as tired as she must have been she would come and sit by my bed and sing quietly next to me until I drifted off to sleep. She called it the Land of Nod.

” The Land of Nod is the reason that I didn’t want to fall asleep because I knew only too well that I didn’t want to go there again. Because it is a place where nightmares begin.

But the horrors that take place there don’t always end when you open up your eyes. Most people don’t hear the voices that I hear when I return from the Land of Nod. I can still see the monsters that dwell there and remember the horrific things they told me.

The Land of Nod is not the peaceful place you might imagine it to be. It is a land of tormented exile rather than a place of peaceful sleep. Some lost souls become vanquished to this place of eternal nightmares. They cannot get out and return to their waking life. They are possessed by the evil that dwells there.

One night I lay down on my bed and the next thing I know I‘m climbing up a rusty metal winding staircase on the side of an ancient Victorian house. As I climb upward toward the roof, I can’t see any end to the ladder. The roof seems to move farther and farther away instead of closer. It begins to rain and become extremely windy. The rain is hitting me hard. It feels like bullets are pelleting me. The staircase becomes extremely slippery. It begins to sway from the left to the right and back again. It bangs against the side of the old house over and over. I fight my way up the stairs to the roof.

Finally. I reach the roof and as I look up, I see what I can only describe as a face full of hatred and disgust. There is steam rising from its body. I almost lose my grip on the ladder in an effort to remove myself from the creature’s presence. He thrust out his scaled and crusty claw to grab me. My terror at the thought of this monster touching me is greater than my fear of falling from the roof. I let go and just as I was about to slam to the ground and no doubt die, I wake up with a start in a cold and clammy sweat.

I reluctantly open my eyes one at a time. Terrified at where I might be. I realize I’m in my room. I’m about to crawl out of my bed when I hear my closet door creaking open. Before my eyes, I see the scaley face and toothy grin of the creature that has been waiting for me on the roof. The last thing I remember seeing is the awful vision of the creature licking his lips in anticipation of devouring me.

I close my eyes tightly and hold my breath. Fearing what terrible event might take place. I wait for what seems an eternity. Finally, I open my eyes and stare across the room and I see nothing except that my closet door is wide open. There are huge reptilian footprints on the carpet. I let out a scream so loud that both my father and mother come running into my room.

“Dear god Helen what is wrong with this child? Why can’t she go to sleep and stay asleep until morning. Why is she always waking up every night screaming like a banshee?”

“I don’t know Henry. She’s a child. Children have highly active imaginations. They have nightmares. What do you expect me to do? I give her a warm bath before bed. I give her warm milk to help her sleep. I sit with her for hours at night. Sometimes she seems fine when I first put her to bed. And then in about fifteen or twenty minutes, she starts twitching and moaning. And then before you know it, she starts screaming. It’s very hard to wake her up then. I have to really shake her hard. It’s like the nightmares have a tight grip on her. It’s scary. Sometimes I’m afraid that I won’t be able to wake her up and she is a prisoner to these horrible nightmares she has.”

“Well Helen, you have got to do something. How can I go to work and do my job when I never get a decent night’s sleep? You are going to have to take her to the doctors and see if there is anything they can do. I’m exhausted.”

“Henry we’re all exhausted. I’ll see if the pediatrician can offer some kind of solution or if he can refer me to a therapist of some kind who can help her.”

“Do it tomorrow, Helen, I’m at the end of my rope. Do you understand?”

“Yes Henry, I understand. Tomorrow.”

The next day my mother says to me, “Ellie I made an appointment for you to go to the doctor.”

“No, I don’t want to go to the doctor, I hate when she gives me shots. I don’t want to, no.”

“Ellie, I’m sorry but you are going. He won’t be giving you any shots. This is a different kind of doctor. He is the kind of doctor that just talks to you to see if anything is troubling you or making you upset. I want you to talk to him about the problems you have sleeping and the nightmares you have all the time. He is just going to listen to you that’s all. And then he will talk to you and me and tell us what he thinks is causing your sleep problems and try to make it better. Do you understand?”

“Yes, but I can’t tell him about the Land of Nod.”

“The Land of Nod?”

“Yes, you told me that I go to the Land of Nod when I go to sleep. It is terrible there. There are horrible monsters that live there. And they try to kill me and eat me. Sometimes they come back with me when I wake up to my room and they try to kill me. They hide in my closet.”

“Ellie, the Land of Nod isn’t a place. It’s just an expression for going to sleep. Anything that you see in your dreams is just your imagination at work. We all have nightmares sometimes if we go to sleep and we are overtired or had a bad day or something upsetting happens before we go to bed. I’m sure the doctor will tell you the same. How about you go and get dressed and wash your face. Then come into the kitchen and I’ll make you some hot oatmeal. I know you love that.”

“Ok mom, I’ll get dressed and come eat breakfast.”

After breakfast, I went into the kitchen and my mother said “Ellie please go brush your teeth and then put on your jacket. I don’t want to be late.”

“Ok mom, I’ll be right back.”

My mother didn’t talk much on the ride to the doctor’s office. I kept my fingers crossed and hope the doctor wouldn’t give me a needle. Cause I hate needles.

“Ellie, we’re almost there. Don’t worry she’s just going to talk to you. All you have to do is answer his questions truthfully.”

“Ok mom, I will.”

A few minutes later we got to the doctor’s office and we were told to have a seat until we were called in to talk to the doctors. It seemed like we sat there forever. And then a pretty lady came out and said Ellie can you come with me?’

My mom nodded her head and said, “go on Ellie everything is going to be alright, I promise.”

The pretty lady said, “here, we are please just have a seat and Dr. Robbins will be right in.”

I sat there and sat there for a long, long time. And then a short chubby old man came in. He was wearing his going to church clothes. He had a long black and grey beard. He said.” hello, miss Elie. I’m Doctor Robbins and we are just going to have a little talk about the trouble you have sleeping. Can you tell me about that?”

I looked at him and he sat and waited for me to say something. I couldn’t decide if I should tell him about the Land of Nod or not. But my mother said that he was going to help me sleep better and I was really tired. “Ok, I’m afraid to fall asleep at night because of what happens after I fall asleep. I’m afraid to go to the Land of Nod, and what happens there and because sometimes the monsters are going to hurt me. And sometimes when I wake up in my bed the monsters are in my room.”

“The Land of Nod? What is that, Ellie?”

“Oh, that’s what my mom calls the place you go when you fall asleep.”

“What do you see there Ellie? “

“There are monsters, they are really scary they usually have been long, sharp teeth and long claws. Sometimes they can fly. They tell me that they are going to kill me or my mom and dad.”

“Oh, that sounds really scary. What happens when you wake up Ellie?”

“Mostly I wake up in my bed because my mom comes in and shakes me cause I was crying or screaming in my sleep and wake my dad up and he gets really mad at me when I do that. Cause he has to go to work and he’s always tired. I don’t want to wake him up so I try to keep myself awake all night so I won’t wake up screaming and getting my dad mad.”

“Does anything else happen after you wake up?”
I look at the doctor really hard because I wanted to be sure I should tell him about the monsters coming back from the Land of Nod with me. His face looks like he really wants me to tell him the truth. “Yes, sometimes the monsters come back with me to my room sometimes they hide under the bed, and sometimes they are hiding in my closet to kill me or my mom and dad.”

“Ellie you must be really scared when you see that. Did you ever tell your Mom and Dad that?”

“I did tell my mom once but she didn’t believe me so I don’t tell her anymore. She told me it was just a nightmare and not real. But it is, I can feel the monster’s breath on my face and it smells like burning. Sometimes it spits at me and I have to go in and wash my face because it burns. I really scream when that happens and that’s when I wake my mom and dad up.”

“Alright Ellie, I think I understand now. I’m going to go talk to your mom and then she will be able to take you home. Just sit here quietly for a few minutes.

The doctor asks his assistant to call Ellie’s mother into his office. She arrived looking exhausted with dark circles under her eyes and a worried expression on her face.”

“Well doctor, what do you think is going on with Ellie?”

“Mrs. Lipton what is happening to Ellie and it’s not unusual for this to happen to children in her developmental stage is that she is having Night Terrors. Well, the best description of a Night Terror is that is a vivid dream. Sometimes it can be a result of some trauma, but most often it is an inherited trait that might run in your family. Did you and anyone in your family have night terrors that you know of Mrs. Lipton?”

“Not in my family as far as I know of doctor. But I don’t know about my husband’s family. Is there anything you can tell me to do because my husband isn’t getting enough sleep because of being woken up at night.

“Well yes, a few things making sure she is relaxed and sleepy when she goes to bed. Perhaps giving her a hot bath might help. Try and reassure her that she just needs to quiet herself and think of things that make her happy. Reassure her that she is loved. And perhaps sit by her bed until she falls asleep. Ultimately, she will outgrow this behavior as she gets older. About 40 percent of children have these night terrors. Do not wake her up when she is having one. Sometimes children can act out if that happens. It is not uncommon for children to sleepwalk while they are having a night terror.”

“Really, oh dear. That’s is scary.”

“As I said as her nervous system becomes fully developed these dreams will resolve themselves. Try to have a ritual before she retires for the night. Taking a bath, having some warm milk. Saying her prayers if you do that. And finally kissing her good night and she closes her eyes and waiting for her to fall asleep. If this doesn’t work, we will consider sending her to a sleep lab. Call me and let me know how she is doing, alright?

“Yes, I understand Doctor thanks for your help. I hope it works. I will keep in touch.”

“Alright my nurse will be bringing Ellie out to the waiting room now. Goodbye.”

Ellie followed the nurse out to the waiting room. She saw her mom sitting there and said, “can we go now. I’m really tired?”

“Yes let’s go home and see what we can have for lunch shall we. What would you like Ellie?”

“Oh, vegetable soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. That’s my favorite.”

“That’s what it will be then. As they drove towards home. Ellie’s mother could see her eyes kept closing and then she saw Ellie was asleep. Ellie’s mom thought, oh what a relief. She continued on her way home without any incident and suddenly she heard a weird growling noise from the back seat. She thought it was the car backfiring at first and then she realized it was a low growling. So, she looked in the rear-view mirror and she glanced at Ellie who was now wide awake and she had her mouth wide opened in a silent scream. The growling noise got louder and she saw something so terrifying that her mind wanted to block it out. But it couldn’t there was a creature with a long snout full of huge fangs and it was above Ellie’s head looking as if it was about to bite off Ellie’s head.

Helen thought she must be losing her mind. How could she be seeing this living nightmare? She kept staring at it, the huge orange, bulging eyes, the horns that look like they could kill someone with ease. And then it open’s its mouth wide and spewed forth the most acrid, decaying smell she had ever experienced. And that is when Helen was awakened by a loud noise. Her car had just slammed into the median strip in the middle of the highway. Ellen’s eyes opened and she realized she had fallen to sleep at the wheel and crashed her car. At that moment she remembered from a long-buried memory that she had experienced night terrors as a child and Ellie must have inherited it from her. And then the lights went out when she lost consciousness. The next thing she was aware of was when she woke up in an ambulance with her daughter lying beside her on a gurney. She was banged up and bruised but alive.

Helen and Ellie heard a calming voice saying, “you are going to be alright. We are on our way to the emergency room. Everything is going to be alright. Try to rest now.”

Helen looked at Ellie looked at one another tears ran down their cheeks. Knowing that they would never have a peaceful sleep again.

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GROWING UP IS HARD TO DO

The subway stations are all but abandoned save for a few brave souls that kept going to work during the first year after the pandemic started. Fortunately, I was able to work from home for that first lonely year. I live in a three-story walkup 120 square foot studio apartment on Locust Street in Philadelphia. It’s located right next to Rittenhouse Square. I love this part of the city, close to transportation, restaurants, and museums.

Rittenhouse Square- Philadelphia, Pa

If you ever want to know what it’s like living in a prison cell you are welcome to stop by and see my “apartment.” I just graduated from Temple University last year and I was hired to work as a graphic designer for a packaging company. Which is great. On the other hand, the pay isn’t great, and also not to mention the lack of benefits the first year.

I have always considered myself something of a loner. Spending your workday alone is almost a given in my business. Unless you are working in a corporation that has teams working on design projects. Unfortunately, I was hired by a start-up company that only has three employees and the owners. So, you have to be a jack of all trades here. And you can expect to work a lot of overtime.

Before I graduated from Temple with my MA I was living at home with my parents and younger brother and commuting from New Jersey daily. That got really old after a while because most days my classes were scheduled first thing in the morning and then a class after dinner. So, I had to commute back and forth a couple of times a day. Which was expensive because I had to pay bridge tolls to cross the bridge twice a day.

That’s why I decided to get an apartment in Philly as soon as I got a job. Luckily, I got hired right after graduation. It took me almost a month to find an affordable apartment. When I first went to see it, I didn’t realize just how small it was because it was empty. And I was so excited about finding an available and affordable place to live I didn’t really think about how really tiny it was. The fact that it had a mini-fridge, no stove, just a toaster oven. But I didn’t really think about those things until the day I moved in. When I realize there was no way in hell that my double bed is going to fit.

My dad takes one look at the place and says,” good lord you might have mentioned how small this place is. Your furniture isn’t going to fit in here, nowhere, no how, no way. Let’s take this all back home and go take a look at IKEA has to offer in way of furniture that is convertible from a bed to a couch and a small desk and chair that you can eat on and also use as a work desk. Maybe I can build you a drafting table that flips up and out of the way on the wall. And did you realize there’s only one closet for storage? I don’t know where you’re going to put your bike. Maybe I can hang hooks from the ceiling for the bike? How about if right now you really take a good look around and see what has to stay and what has to go back home to the garage?”

I look at my dad and I really want to disagree with him. But as I take a really close look around, I realize he’s absolutely right. So, I keep my mouth shut. Then I start going through the boxes we already brought in and take only the essential items. Everything else goes back in the boxes to return to my old house. I start making a list in my head about what I definitely need to keep. We end up taking about two-thirds of my stuff back home. And then we make a trip to IKEA. I buy a small convertible couch/bed. and some storage shelves. I guess I not going to be eating as I used to since I’ll have to do all my cooking in a toaster oven.

Not to mention that I’m going to be washing my dishes and my face and hands in the kitchen sink since there isn’t a sink in the bathroom. Only a shower that looks like a tall skinny coffin and a toilet. I‘m going to have to get food for one or two days at a time. Since I only had a mini-fridge. I bought the smallest microwave I could find. I cross my fingers and hope it will fit on the three-foot countertop.

I’m not as stoked as I was early this morning but still, I’m finally on my way to becoming a working artist in my own place. Even if it’s an apartment made for the seven dwarfs or something. My dad and I bring all the stuff up the three flights of stairs. We’re both exhausted by the end of the day. Billy how about coming home for dinner and then I’ll give you a lift back here tomorrow morning. And you can get a good meal and sleep in a comfortable bed?”

I want to say no, but I am exhausted and hungry. “OK, sure that would be great. I’m starving. Do you know what Mom’s making for dinner?”

“Oh, she told me she was making tortellini and meatballs tonight. Isn’t that one of your favorites?”

“Yeah, yeah it is.” And so, I stay over for the second last night at my childhood home before I move into my own place. I have to admit I’m really going to miss my mother’s cooking. I sleep like a log.

I hear my mom calling me from downstairs, “Billy breakfast is ready. I made your favorite eggs over easy and crispy bacon.” I realize I’m going to miss more than my mother’s cooking. I’m going to miss my mother. You probably won’t believe this but for a moment I have to fight back the tears. I’ll deny it if you ever tell anyone I said that. But my parents are the best, especially my mom. The smell of the bacon frying calls me downstairs and I just throw on yesterday’s shirt and pants, dirty socks, and old sneakers. I consider washing my face but decide it’s not worth the trouble since I’ll be sweaty and dirty in a couple of hours.

I swallow the last bite of a bacon and egg sandwich and sigh. “That was great Mom. It really hit the spot.” My mom comes over and gives me a hug. And once again I feel the urge to start crying. Really, what the hell is happening to me? I haven’t cried since I was in middle school and wasn’t picked to be on the soccer team. My day looks at me and my mom and I saw him swallow hard. “Ok, Ok that’s enough of that. We have a lot of work to do today. Marion, he isn’t going to be that far away, just over the Ben Franklin Bridge. We can see him anytime we want to.”

I look at my dad and say, “What, wait you have to call me before you show up. What if I have friends over or a girlfriend?”

“Ok, I was just making a point so your mother wouldn’t be so upset.”

We all look at each other and then I and my dad look down at the floor. My dad says, “Let’s be on our way we have a lot of heavy lifting to do and I’m not as young as I used to be.”

My mom says, “be careful don’t overdo either of you.”

“We’ll be fine. Marion, I probably won’t be back until dinner time so don’t make any big meals just in case I’m late. See you later.” He grabs his car keys from the hook and heads out the door.

I stand up and my mom hugs me again, “Don’t be a stranger. And let me know when we can come to visit and see your new place.”

“Ok, Mom but I don’t know if three people can fit into my apartment. Maybe one of you will have to wait in the hallway until the other one comes out.”

“What, what do you mean by that?”

“I mean it is a very tiny apartment.”

“Oh, I’m sure it will be fine. We all have to start somewhere. I know someday you’ll be a big success.”

“Thanks, Mom you were always my best cheerleader. Thanks for having faith in me.” This time I give her a hug. I realize I will miss hugging her and smelling of Chanel number five.”

I turn quickly away and take a deep breath and take my first step forward into my future. Then I start double-stepping it because I hear my father honking his horn impatiently. When I get up to the car, I open the door and say, “calm down, calm down will ya?”

“Get in, get in we don’t have all day. I have other things to do you know?”

“Sorry, Dad didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

“Yeah, I know women always got to make everything a big emotional thing.”

I take a good look at my father and his eyes are all red. “Ok dad let’s get going.”

An hour later we were looking for a parking spot in front of my building we kept going round and round the block. On our fourth go-round a car finally pulled out and my dad expertly backs right into it. Luckily, his van had doors on the side and we can get my stuff out.

Two hours later we took our last load of my stuff up the three flights of stairs. I feel like I’m going to pass out. I can only imagine what my old man feels like. When we get inside, I go in the fridge, and lo and behold the former tenant left two bottles of Pepsi in the fridge. “Hey Dad, guess what? Two bottles of Pepsi, cold Pepsi.”

“What, you’re kidding. So, hand it over, hand it over. I’m about to die over here.”

Three hours later we had just about finished everything. I don’t think I could possibly fit one more thing in my new apartment. “Dad, I can’t believe it, but we’re done. How about we throw some water on our faces and get some lunch. I noticed there was a little luncheonette down the street. What do you say? My treat.”

“I say, hell yeah lead the way.”

We threw some water on our faces from the little sink, and wash our hands without soap because I forgot to bring any, and we head out to the EL Merkury.
El Merkury has everything you didn’t know you were craving until the moment you start eating it. My dad and I both ordered the black bean and cheese-stuffed pupusas and ice cream sundaes. I honestly thought I was going to throw up I ate so much. My dad says, “well, I don’t think I’ll be able to eat dinner tonight.”

“Me either, but that’s probably because I didn’t do any food shopping yet.”

“You’ll survive. When your mother and I first got married we hardly had any money and we ate beans and hotdogs for weeks at a time. And popsicles for dessert. I couldn’t eat hotdogs or popsicles for years after that. I know you are going to do great in the city. In fact, I envy you. Your whole life is ahead of you. I know you will be successful but it will take time and hard work. That’s about all the advice I have for you. I’m going to be on my way now. My last words are don’t be a stranger. Remember if you ever need us we will be there for you. And then he came over and gave my shoulders a squeeze and turned and walked out the door. And that is when what tear I had been holding back all day slid down my cheek along with a whole lot of other tears. I wiped them away with the back of my hand. I pushed my seat back put a tip on the table and walked over to the counter and paid my bill. “Thanks that was great,”  I said to the cashier. She gave me a big smile, and said,” please come again.” And I walked out the door and into my new life.

As I was going out the door, I heard the jukebox playing some old song called, GROWING UP IS HARD TO DO BY the Ginger Snaps. “What else can I say? It ain’t easy.”

 

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