Tag Archives: insomnia

ALL I EVER DREAMED OF IS A GOOD NIGHT’S REST

The alarm clock rang incessantly, and its annoying screams eventually awakened me. I’m a heavy sleeper because each night before I go to bed, I drink a glass of wine. It never fails to put me to sleep. Unfortunately, it hasn’t put an end to my nightmares. In fact, they are even more vivid than the nightmares I suffered from when I was a child. The only difference is now I can remember the dreams after I wake up. And when I was a child, my dreams would be forgotten once I woke up each morning.

My dreams are often vivid and filled with events that wake me up, sometimes screaming out loud in terror. When I woke up, I could not remember what the nightmare was about. And I thank god for that because if I remembered any of my dreams, no amount of alcohol before I went to bed would be able to lull me to sleep ever again.

Tired woman in the office sleeping

 

My nightmares have been haunting me all of my life as far back as I remember. When I was a child, my mother took me to the pediatrician and explained how these nightmares would wake me up every night and wake up everyone who lived in our house. He told my mother that I had night terrors, which were a common occurrence with young children whose brains were still developing. And over time, the nightmares would cease. But mine never did. It is an everyday occurrence for me.

I never tell people I know I suffer from nightmares because I’m a grown woman. And I’m sure they would tell me that I’m not a child anymore and shouldn’t be having these nightmares anymore. As a result, during the day, I often have vivid flashbacks from my most recent nightmares without any warning.

Occasionally the flashback is so vivid that I will shout out with fear or run screaming out of whatever room. This has happened so often at my workplace that my coworkers started complaining to our boss that I was disrupting their concentration. I was called into his office because of these complaints. I explained the problem to my boss. I told him that I was unaware of my behavior when it was occurring since I was asleep. And the night terror only lasts a minute or two. And there was no treatment for it. I informed him I had been to a sleep specialist, psychologist, and psychiatrist. They all said there was no real cure. That they could put me on heavy-duty sleep aides. But the side effect was that in the morning, when I woke up, I had a hangover from the medication for several hours and had difficulty concentrating. I have lost several jobs because of this problem.

Most recently, my boss said that he could only think of two solutions. The first was letting me go, which he didn’t want to do because, aside from these sleep episodes, I was a valuable employee. So, his only recourse was for me to work at home. And then to come into my office once a week and play catch-up with my boss. And he thought that was the best solution for me and my fellow employees.

My response was to stare blankly at my boss. I really didn’t want to spend my whole work life at home working at my desk in my bedroom. I was sure this would lead me to develop even more problems, including loneliness, and becoming even more inhibited and neurotic than I already was.

My boss waited several moments, and then he said, “so Amelia, what do you think? Work from home sound good?”

“Well, I don’t know. But I guess I will have to give it a go. I will miss seeing all my workmates. But I guess I don’t really have any other choice. When will this change in venue happen?”

“Well, there is no time like the present. Why don’t you go in and start packing up your desk? Please take your work computer and anything else you need home with you. And let’s say that after you get settled in your new home office, you contact personnel and let them know how things are going. And if you need anything else. Let’s try this for the next month, and then you can let us know how you are doing. And we will see if we have to make any further adjustments.

And then he stood up and walked me to the door, and said, “please keep in touch. Let me know if you encounter any problem that we haven’t foreseen. And let me know, and we will put our brains together and devise a solution. Talk to you soon, Amelia. Sorry, but I have to go right now. There is a big meeting that I’m about to be late for if I don’t get moving immediately.”

And that was the beginning of the end for me. Of course, it didn’t happen right away. It happened slowly over time. In fact, it happened so painfully slowly that I didn’t realize what was happening. I slowly began to unravel.

After about a week of working alone at my desk in my bedroom, I began to lose time. And by that, I mean while I was working on my computer, I would drift slowly into a deep sleep. But, somehow, during these short naps, I kept working away. But, when I woke up, I had no memory of the work I had done. None at all. I would look down at my computer and not recollect completing the work. I would then spend the rest of the day going over all the work to see if it was complete bologna or acceptable.

And to my surprise, the work I completed at home was perfection. Even better than the work I did when I worked in the office. I was doing so well, in fact, that I decided that each afternoon I would take a break and go for a walk, go out to lunch, or do some shopping so that I could reconnect with my fellow human and not turn into some hermit.

But to my utter surprise, the first time I went out for lunch to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, the owner came over to my booth and said, “oh, what a wonderful surprise. It’s such a pleasure to see you so soon again.”

I stared at him and said, “so soon again, Jose?” I don’t even remember the last time I was here. Maybe you are mixing me up with one of your other customers?”

“Mixing you up? No, for the past three weeks, you have come here every Monday and Thursday for lunch, and now here you are on Wednesday.”

“What? Well, I must be overtired or something. I don’t really recall that at all. I recently started working from home and haven’t been going out. And I started feeling claustrophobic from being alone all day and all night.”

Jose stared at me with a perplexed look on his face. And then he said, “wait a minute, I can prove it. I’ll show you a picture of you and several other customers when you pulled all your tables together and ate lunch. And then you all started dancing after eating. You have to remember that, Amelia?”

I sat there looking at him like he had lost his mind. And then he returned with a large picture of a group of people laughing and dancing in the middle of the room with all the tables pushed against the wall. And then Jose’ pointed his finger at a woman wearing a bright skirt and a flowered shirt and a sombrero on her head. I picked up the picture and put it as close to her eyes as possible and still distinguish the people. And sure enough, there was a woman that bore an unbelievable resemblance to herself. “Well, I’ll admit she does look like me. But it can’t be. It just can’t. I don’t remember that at all.”

Jose’ said, wait a minute, I’ll bring over the staff, and they can reassure you.”

“What, on no, don’t do that. But, before I even finished his sentence, Jose called all the staff into the dining area. And they all reassured her that she had indeed been coming there often, and on that particular night, she had been the life of the party.

“I guess I will have to believe you. But, I don’t really understand why I don’t have any memory of any of this at all.” Jose came over and said, “ well, I hope you will keep coming as often as possible because we will all miss you if you don’t. And he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

My face blushed all the way up to the roots of my hair. And then, I sat back in her chair and waited for my lunch to be brought out. By now, her stomach was growling and churning. A few minutes later, Jose’ brought her lunch to her table and said, “enjoy. Please let me know if you would like anything else. How about some Sangria?”

“I would love that, but I think I am confused enough as it is. Maybe next time. It all looked delicious as I sat there eating a burrito. It occurred to me that perhaps the reason I didn’t remember coming here was that I had been sleepwalking. It seemed far-fetched. But what else would explain not having a memory when of the events? When it was clear that I had been coming there. The only other possibility was that I had completely lost my mind. And at this point in time, she had no desire to believe she was bonkers. Perhaps I should go back into therapy?

As I swallowed the last delicious bite of my meal. I had decided that whatever was happening was out of my control. And I would continue on with my life and see what happened. It was clear that part of me wanted to be happy and so why shouldn’t I ?

And so that is how I began living my life to the fullest, and although I don’t remember all of it, at some level, I was having the time of my life. And I was going to go for it.

One morning I woke up and felt like I might be hungover, although I didn’t remember what had happened to me the night before. At least, I thought it was one night. But when I rolled over, I realized I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t in her bed. “Good grief, I said out loud.” I leaned over and looked at the man lying beside me. I couldn’t imagine who it was. I was afraid to know, and then I saw Jose’s handsome face and mustache. “Wake up, wake up, Jose.”

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TO SLEEP OR NOT TO SLEEP THAT IS THE QUESTION

For as long as I can remember, I have suffered from insomnia. Please don’t suggest that having insomnia is not suffering. I can assure you that not getting adequate sleep over long periods of time is exquisitely painful.

WOMAN WITH INSOMNIA

WOMAN WITH INSOMNIA

I do not recall a time when I didn’t have difficulty sleeping. My mother often complained that I would almost nightly come into her bedroom when I was a child and tell her I couldn’t sleep. I would beg to sleep with my parents. They always said, “no, go back to your own bed. And as a result, I would lie awake for the rest of the night with her eyes wide open and unable to fall asleep. I would finally drift off to sleep in the middle of the night. My mother said, “after you wake me up, I’m would unable to fall asleep for hours. And she would get up at six AM clutching her rosary in her hands.

Over the course of my lifetime, my insomnia did not resolve. It evolved. There were times when I would fall asleep but wake up after an hour or two and then be unable to fall back to sleep. I tried reading, praying, and staring out the window into the dark of the night. I would listen to cats fighting, or dogs barking or listen to my next-door neighbors’ knock-down brawls. I often wondered why they didn’t get a divorce. And even though I was a child, I knew it couldn’t be healthy to remain in a marriage where you hated your mate and your children grew up in a home full of anger and resentment.

As I grew into adulthood and moved out of my parent’s house and into my own apartment. Insomnia remained my companion. Although it was an unwelcome companion. Over the years, I tried various sleeping aids in my search for six hours of an uninterrupted night’s sleep. And then, finally, I found Ambien. A new medication that promised six to eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. It was a dream come true.

It wasn’t until several months of taking Ambien that I realized there were some unexpected side effects from taking it. And I, unfortunately, suffered the consequences of every one of these side effects. The first side effect I became aware of was that, over several months, I started putting on weight. I was always self-conscious about my weight and being fit. As I exercised every single day. I was extremely careful about what I ate, especially sweets and carbs. I stopped eating animal protein and became a vegetarian.

And so, when I began noticing that my clothes were starting to feel tight. I couldn’t understand why or how this was happening. I decided to get an appointment with my doctor to see if I had developed a thyroid problem. But I found out I didn’t have a hypothyroid problem. The doctor stated that he couldn’t find any organic or biological reason for my weight gain. And he insisted that I must be eating more or eating high-calorie foods and that I wasn’t getting enough exercise. I told him that was certainly not the case since I hadn’t changed my diet or exercise routine in the least.

And finally, I made an appointment with a psychologist to determine if there was a psychological reason why I couldn’t sleep. The doctor felt that one of the reasons I had sleeping problems was that I had depression because of unresolved childhood issues. After several months of talk therapy, the therapist suggested that I set up video cameras in my bedroom and my house and find out what I was doing at night to cause the weight gain.

In addition, as I was leaving his office, he mentioned in passing that some early research indicated that Ambien could cause sleepwalking, sleep eating, and even more, terrifying sleep driving. Why, why, why do doctors wait until you are walking out the door to tell you the most pertinent facts about your health? He told me I should consider going off them.

I just couldn’t bring myself to stop taking Ambien because after I started using them, I was able to fall asleep within fifteen minutes of taking one and sleep throughout the night with no hangover like previous sleeping pills I had taken. I said, “alright, Doctor, I’ll give that suggestion some thought. But I will definitely get the video camera’s set up and see if I am sleepwalking at night. I’ll keep in touch. Thank you for your time.”

So, two days later, I had a guy come to my home and install the video cameras around my home. And he put one in my car. They were all sensitive to movement and would turn on automatically. He told me to wait a few days before checking the cameras. So, I waited and waited, and five days later, I checked all the cameras.

I thought I would find videos of me raiding the kitchen. But no, that isn’t what I saw. What I saw was me wearing my pajamas and slippers and my winter chenille robe. And unbelievably, I was going out the door of my apartment and heading in the direction of the apartment parking garage. And then, I saw myself getting into my car and driving to several fast food restaurants, including McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Domino’s Pizza, and the local all-night family restaurant.

I could hardly believe my eyes. The kind of food I was eating and the amount of food I was eating were unbelievable. I was eating junk food for hours every night, and all the while, I was asleep. Although my eyes were open, I was ordering the food and paying for it and then either gobbling it down while I was driving to the next fast food place or sitting in my car all alone, stuffing my face with one disgusting thing after another.

My final stop was always the all-night family restaurant, where I apparently ate a full breakfast of bacon, eggs, scrapple, and buckets of hot coffee. No wonder I was getting as round as a beach ball. I’m surprised I haven’t had a heart attack yet. Just from the sheer amount of fried foods and calories.

And the fact that I was eating meat made me sick to my stomach and sick at heart. I love animals and gave up eating meat twenty years ago. How could I be doing this? It was so hard to believe. But, obviously true.

And then I considered the obvious I was driving all over town asleep. I could have killed myself or other innocent people. It was worse than driving drunk. It was altogether a nightmare. And the irony of it all was hard to swallow. I was finally sleeping after all these years. But, I did not feel rejuvenated or refreshed, or healthier. I was fat and apparently addicted to Ambien and junk food.

It was clear to me that I needed to go back to the shrink and find out why my subconscious was driving me to undermine my health and my well-being. And making me a danger to myself and all the other people on the road, and highways, and byways where I lived.

After waiting three weeks to get another appointment with my shrink. I had accomplished several important things. I weaned myself off of Ambien. I won’t lie. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I got rid of all the junk foods. I started exercising twice a day, once before I went to bed and first thing in the morning.

I lost about ten pounds in those few weeks before I saw my shrink’s appointment. I felt better because I wasn’t gaining any more weight. And the exercise, including walking five miles a day and working, made me so tired and often fell immediately fell asleep and stayed asleep for six hours. Which was a big improvement for me.

And the talk therapy with my shrink helped me to start resolving the reasons for my ongoing depression and unresolved problems with my family and some of my friends. I found out it was better to talk about problems with my family and friends instead of stuffing it all down with food. After six months, I lost thirty pounds with ten more to go. I feel like a new woman, and that has helped me to stop being so self-critical. My family and I are communicating with one another, and I don’t feel so fueled with anger all the time.

So, I still do have the occasional sleepless night. But, I stay away from Ambien and instead consider what kind of emotional issues I am having at any given time. And I talk with my therapist, and she helps me see what is in plain view. And that I have to make an effort to solve these issues instead of feeding them or obsessing about them all day and into the night. So, with that, I’ll say good day, and I hope you have a good night’s sleep.

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THE NIGHT OWL

I recently retired from working. I was a night watchman for over forty years. I worked at a factory that manufactured jewelry, using precious metals, mostly silver and gold and occasionally platinum. My days off were Monday and Tuesday. On those days, I continued to sleep during the day and stayed awake all night.

And now that I’m retired, I have every intention of slowly adjusting to sleeping at night and being awake during the day as most people do. Unfortunately, this goal has not been as easy to reach as I hoped.

Night Owl

The first couple of months of my retirement, I tried adjusting my sleep pattern by going to bed fifteen minutes later each day. And I hoped over time I would be able to go to bed between eleven o’clock and 11:30 PM over time. I calculated that I would be able to achieve this goal in about seven and a half months.

Unfortunately, what happened was that I was unable to fall asleep at all. And I began lying wide awake for hours every night sometimes; I never fell asleep. This pattern went on for weeks. I eventually started taking Melatonin to help me fall asleep. Melatonin is a naturally occurring hormone in our bodies. My change in my sleeping pattern had a detrimental effect on my ability during the day. And I was unable to accomplish anything. if one of my friends called to see how I was or asked me to meet them for lunch. I would fall asleep while they were talking on the phone to me.

Then one lonely night, while I stared silently at the ceiling fan over my bed, I heard a weird noise outside my bedroom window. It went on intermittently for over an hour. It was a familiar sound, but I couldn’t quite place it. I finally gathered the strength to get up and look out the window. There is a large Cedar tree within six feet of my bedroom window, and I observed something moving about within the tree limbs.

But I couldn’t quite make out what it was. Some kind of bird, I thought. Maybe a hawk. I had seen one recently flying over our pond. They were probably scooping out the pond for the Koi that lived there and were blissfully unaware that their very lives were in danger. I finally decided to put a net over the pond. But then I became concerned that the hawk would get caught in the net and drown. And so I took the net off. At this point, even I realized that I was becoming obsessive. I knew it was probably from my lack of sleep.

I quietly opened the window about twelve inches, and I could hear the strange noise again, it was a somewhat familiar noise was emanating from the tree. And then I heard the noise more clearly it was “who, who, who.” My exhausted brain didn’t immediately recognize the sound. And suddenly, from the depths of my subconscious, the word OWL came to the surface. I shouted, “it’s a. It’s an owl.” I reacted as if I had discovered a previously unknown star or planet before my eyes. I laughed out loud. I have a great love of birds. When I was a child, I used to close my eyes and wish that I would somehow magically turn into a bird and fly. I spent hours during the summer sitting in my backyard, hoping that I would be able to grow wings and be able to fly spontaneously.

I didn’t share this thought with anyone, even my closest friend, since my family and friends already thought I was a weird child.

I open the screen on my window and put my head out the window. And sure enough, I heard the hoot of a night owl. I had frequently found the remains of small rodents and squirrels under that cedar tree, and now I realized that my owl was hunting in my back yard. We have seventeen beautiful Cedar trees on our small property. In addition to a beautiful garden in the front. It attracted all kinds of wildlife, birds, feral cats, chipmunks, squirrels, possums, raccoons, and all sorts of insects. And now I had an owl. How wonderful. I felt as if I had finally found that pot of gold I searched for as a child.

One night, I decided that I would stay up late and sit outside in the backyard and wait for my owl to appear. I brought my camera and waited patiently. It was well past ten PM. And the mosquitoes were out in force. I had sprayed myself with repellent, but the mosquitoes didn’t seem to be deterred. I expected I would be covered with bites in an hour or so. It didn’t help that the pond was less than ten feet from the Ceder tree where my owl spent the night waiting for his prey to appear. I read that an owl can eat up to a thousand mice a year. Can you imagine having such an appetite? I would be the size of a house if I ate that much.

I started dozing off several times. I would nod off, and my head would jerk, and I would wake up vaguely confused about where I was and what the hell I was doing outside in the middle of the night. And then it would all come back to me. About the third time it happened to me, I thought, maybe I am nuts. And then I thought well if I’m a nut, I’m nuts. You have to learn to accept your nature and roll with it at some point in your life. And if people don’t like it, well, so be it. Their loss, isn’t it? Most people are dead boring and never have an original thought in their mind.

Suddenly, I heard a swishing noise in the tree above me. I quietly raised my head with my eyes to the sky, and there she was, sitting on the uppermost branch of the tree like a queen sitting on her throne. I could see her clearly by the moonlight. I tried to maintain complete quiet and not move a muscle. It was difficult because I was stiff from sitting in one position for so long. And my muscles were crying out in pain, wanting me to move and stretch. But I didn’t. I remained steadfast.

And then she was up and flying towards the prey that moved, and only she was able to see and hear. One of the things I found so interesting about owls is the fact that they can pinpoint the location of their prey because of their ears, which are located at different heights on their heads. They are the ultimate hunters, quick and precise. Her wingspread was large and before I knew it she returned with her prey. She would probably stay for several hours and hunt. I decided that the next time she flew off I would quietly leave and try and go back to my bed and hopefully sleep.

That night I fell asleep shortly after I climbed wearily into my bed. I had a dream that I was a magnificent owl flying through the night sky lit only by the stars and the moon. The next morning I woke up and the sun was beginning to rise. I looked over at my alarm clock and it was almost seven in the morning. I could hardly take in that I had finally slept for several hours.

I picked up the diary that I kept by my bedside. And I wrote about my experience the previous night. And then the thought occurred to me that I may have dreamed the whole thing. I decided to throw on my clothes and shoes and go to my backyard under the Cedar tree and see if I could find any evidence of the owl’s appearance. And sure enough, under the Cedar tree, I found the tiny remnants of the owl’s prey. It wasn’t a dream. I had truly experienced something both wonderful and terrible.

Several months later, in late winter, I noticed two owls in the tree. I realized that they must be getting ready to lay eggs. I couldn’t contain the joy I felt when I realized that I would witness this miracle. After about a month, I noticed that one of the eggs hatched and the two remaining ones hatched soon. I cannot express how overjoyed I was to have this family of owls inhabiting my backyard.

The mother and father owl took turns feeding and sitting on the nest. I wanted to watch the babies being fed so badly that I went out and purchased a pair of binoculars made explicitly for bird watching. And for the next four weeks, I watched this family thrive and the babies grow. After the babies hatched about the fifth week, they began to venture from the nest. I was terrified that one of the feral cats in my neighborhood would kill the babies. But it turned out that the mother and father owl kept a close eye on their young.

And I read that owls are known to have eaten cats. And that’s when I began to obsess about the cats in my neighborhood getting eaten by my owls. There was no end to the things that my mind would obsess about and keep me awake at night worrying about it. I warned all my neighbors not to let their cats out at night. Since I had a pair of nesting owls in my backyard, I found out that owls hoot at night to ward off intruders as a warning. I kept my nightly vigil of them on the down-low since I didn’t want them to move to a different location.

My neighbors have begun to think that I am somewhat eccentric. I can’t deny it. I am what I am. There was no use fighting my nature. At this late stage of my life, I can no more change who and what I am than my owls can change their nature of being predators. I have come to accept myself because of the owls.

By the time Fall was about to arrive, I noticed that the fledglings were staying longer and longer away from the nest and then not returning at all. I surmised that they were mature enough to start a life of their own. And the most important lesson I learned from the owls was to accept one’s nature. And what I came to realize over that first year of retirement was that I wasn’t retiring from life but just one stage of my life and that I was and will always be a Night Owl. And I am curious, creative, and weird, and I’m alright with that.

INSOMNIA

If you’ve ever suffered from insomnia even for a short time you will understand how I feel. And why what happened on that particular night transpired. I have to say that I have lived my entire life sleep-deprived. My mother told me long ago when I was a baby and a young child, she had difficulty getting me to go to bed, fall asleep and stay asleep the entire night.

Nightmare Monster

Nightmare Monster

She told me sometimes it took her an hour to get me to go to bed and stay there. That I would get up many times and ask for water, or tell her I was hungry or that I had to go to the bathroom. Sometimes even after my parents and older siblings were all fast asleep, she would be awakened by me standing next to her bed and saying,” I can’t fall asleep or I had a terrible nightmare. Or she would get up to go to the bathroom sometime after midnight and find me lying on the floor eyes wide open. She would say,” Ellie why are you out of bed?” You need to go back to your room and go to sleep you have to go to school in the morning and I have to go to work. Please, please go back to your room and get some sleep.”

My father worked the night shift and I rarely saw him. I wouldn’t dare go into my parent’s room when he was home at night. He would yell, “what is that kid doing in our room again, can’t you make her stay in her bed?”  My mother said, “I did, she has trouble sleeping and she becomes frightened when she is lying awake in the dark. She has a vivid imagination.

“Put her to bed and make her stay there or I’ll lock her in there and make her sorry she doesn’t stay in her room at night.”

My father had a short fuse and I had no doubt that he would make me sorry for not staying in bed.

“Come on Ellie let’s go back to your room and I will sit with you until you fall asleep.” And as tired as she must have been she would come and sit by my bed and sing quietly next to me until I drifted off to sleep. She called it the Land of Nod.

” The Land of Nod is the reason that I didn’t want to fall asleep because I knew only too well that I didn’t want to go there again. Because it is a place where nightmares begin.

But the horrors that take place there don’t always end when you open up your eyes. Most people don’t hear the voices that I hear when I return from the Land of Nod. I can still see the monsters that dwell there and remember the horrific things they told me.

The Land of Nod is not the peaceful place you might imagine it to be. It is a land of tormented exile rather than a place of peaceful sleep. Some lost souls become vanquished to this place of eternal nightmares. They cannot get out and return to their waking life. They are possessed by the evil that dwells there.

One night I lay down on my bed and the next thing I know I‘m climbing up a rusty metal winding staircase on the side of an ancient Victorian house. As I climb upward toward the roof, I can’t see any end to the ladder. The roof seems to move farther and farther away instead of closer. It begins to rain and become extremely windy. The rain is hitting me hard. It feels like bullets are pelleting me. The staircase becomes extremely slippery. It begins to sway from the left to the right and back again. It bangs against the side of the old house over and over. I fight my way up the stairs to the roof.

Finally. I reach the roof and as I look up, I see what I can only describe as a face full of hatred and disgust. There is steam rising from its body. I almost lose my grip on the ladder in an effort to remove myself from the creature’s presence. He thrust out his scaled and crusty claw to grab me. My terror at the thought of this monster touching me is greater than my fear of falling from the roof. I let go and just as I was about to slam to the ground and no doubt die, I wake up with a start in a cold and clammy sweat.

I reluctantly open my eyes one at a time. Terrified at where I might be. I realize I’m in my room. I’m about to crawl out of my bed when I hear my closet door creaking open. Before my eyes, I see the scaley face and toothy grin of the creature that has been waiting for me on the roof. The last thing I remember seeing is the awful vision of the creature licking his lips in anticipation of devouring me.

I close my eyes tightly and hold my breath. Fearing what terrible event might take place. I wait for what seems an eternity. Finally, I open my eyes and stare across the room and I see nothing except that my closet door is wide open. There are huge reptilian footprints on the carpet. I let out a scream so loud that both my father and mother come running into my room.

“Dear god Helen what is wrong with this child? Why can’t she go to sleep and stay asleep until morning. Why is she always waking up every night screaming like a banshee?”

“I don’t know Henry. She’s a child. Children have highly active imaginations. They have nightmares. What do you expect me to do? I give her a warm bath before bed. I give her warm milk to help her sleep. I sit with her for hours at night. Sometimes she seems fine when I first put her to bed. And then in about fifteen or twenty minutes, she starts twitching and moaning. And then before you know it, she starts screaming. It’s very hard to wake her up then. I have to really shake her hard. It’s like the nightmares have a tight grip on her. It’s scary. Sometimes I’m afraid that I won’t be able to wake her up and she is a prisoner to these horrible nightmares she has.”

“Well Helen, you have got to do something. How can I go to work and do my job when I never get a decent night’s sleep? You are going to have to take her to the doctors and see if there is anything they can do. I’m exhausted.”

“Henry we’re all exhausted. I’ll see if the pediatrician can offer some kind of solution or if he can refer me to a therapist of some kind who can help her.”

“Do it tomorrow, Helen, I’m at the end of my rope. Do you understand?”

“Yes Henry, I understand. Tomorrow.”

The next day my mother says to me, “Ellie I made an appointment for you to go to the doctor.”

“No, I don’t want to go to the doctor, I hate when she gives me shots. I don’t want to, no.”

“Ellie, I’m sorry but you are going. He won’t be giving you any shots. This is a different kind of doctor. He is the kind of doctor that just talks to you to see if anything is troubling you or making you upset. I want you to talk to him about the problems you have sleeping and the nightmares you have all the time. He is just going to listen to you that’s all. And then he will talk to you and me and tell us what he thinks is causing your sleep problems and try to make it better. Do you understand?”

“Yes, but I can’t tell him about the Land of Nod.”

“The Land of Nod?”

“Yes, you told me that I go to the Land of Nod when I go to sleep. It is terrible there. There are horrible monsters that live there. And they try to kill me and eat me. Sometimes they come back with me when I wake up to my room and they try to kill me. They hide in my closet.”

“Ellie, the Land of Nod isn’t a place. It’s just an expression for going to sleep. Anything that you see in your dreams is just your imagination at work. We all have nightmares sometimes if we go to sleep and we are overtired or had a bad day or something upsetting happens before we go to bed. I’m sure the doctor will tell you the same. How about you go and get dressed and wash your face. Then come into the kitchen and I’ll make you some hot oatmeal. I know you love that.”

“Ok mom, I’ll get dressed and come eat breakfast.”

After breakfast, I went into the kitchen and my mother said “Ellie please go brush your teeth and then put on your jacket. I don’t want to be late.”

“Ok mom, I’ll be right back.”

My mother didn’t talk much on the ride to the doctor’s office. I kept my fingers crossed and hope the doctor wouldn’t give me a needle. Cause I hate needles.

“Ellie, we’re almost there. Don’t worry she’s just going to talk to you. All you have to do is answer his questions truthfully.”

“Ok mom, I will.”

A few minutes later we got to the doctor’s office and we were told to have a seat until we were called in to talk to the doctors. It seemed like we sat there forever. And then a pretty lady came out and said Ellie can you come with me?’

My mom nodded her head and said, “go on Ellie everything is going to be alright, I promise.”

The pretty lady said, “here, we are please just have a seat and Dr. Robbins will be right in.”

I sat there and sat there for a long, long time. And then a short chubby old man came in. He was wearing his going to church clothes. He had a long black and grey beard. He said.” hello, miss Elie. I’m Doctor Robbins and we are just going to have a little talk about the trouble you have sleeping. Can you tell me about that?”

I looked at him and he sat and waited for me to say something. I couldn’t decide if I should tell him about the Land of Nod or not. But my mother said that he was going to help me sleep better and I was really tired. “Ok, I’m afraid to fall asleep at night because of what happens after I fall asleep. I’m afraid to go to the Land of Nod, and what happens there and because sometimes the monsters are going to hurt me. And sometimes when I wake up in my bed the monsters are in my room.”

“The Land of Nod? What is that, Ellie?”

“Oh, that’s what my mom calls the place you go when you fall asleep.”

“What do you see there Ellie? “

“There are monsters, they are really scary they usually have been long, sharp teeth and long claws. Sometimes they can fly. They tell me that they are going to kill me or my mom and dad.”

“Oh, that sounds really scary. What happens when you wake up Ellie?”

“Mostly I wake up in my bed because my mom comes in and shakes me cause I was crying or screaming in my sleep and wake my dad up and he gets really mad at me when I do that. Cause he has to go to work and he’s always tired. I don’t want to wake him up so I try to keep myself awake all night so I won’t wake up screaming and getting my dad mad.”

“Does anything else happen after you wake up?”
I look at the doctor really hard because I wanted to be sure I should tell him about the monsters coming back from the Land of Nod with me. His face looks like he really wants me to tell him the truth. “Yes, sometimes the monsters come back with me to my room sometimes they hide under the bed, and sometimes they are hiding in my closet to kill me or my mom and dad.”

“Ellie you must be really scared when you see that. Did you ever tell your Mom and Dad that?”

“I did tell my mom once but she didn’t believe me so I don’t tell her anymore. She told me it was just a nightmare and not real. But it is, I can feel the monster’s breath on my face and it smells like burning. Sometimes it spits at me and I have to go in and wash my face because it burns. I really scream when that happens and that’s when I wake my mom and dad up.”

“Alright Ellie, I think I understand now. I’m going to go talk to your mom and then she will be able to take you home. Just sit here quietly for a few minutes.

The doctor asks his assistant to call Ellie’s mother into his office. She arrived looking exhausted with dark circles under her eyes and a worried expression on her face.”

“Well doctor, what do you think is going on with Ellie?”

“Mrs. Lipton what is happening to Ellie and it’s not unusual for this to happen to children in her developmental stage is that she is having Night Terrors. Well, the best description of a Night Terror is that is a vivid dream. Sometimes it can be a result of some trauma, but most often it is an inherited trait that might run in your family. Did you and anyone in your family have night terrors that you know of Mrs. Lipton?”

“Not in my family as far as I know of doctor. But I don’t know about my husband’s family. Is there anything you can tell me to do because my husband isn’t getting enough sleep because of being woken up at night.

“Well yes, a few things making sure she is relaxed and sleepy when she goes to bed. Perhaps giving her a hot bath might help. Try and reassure her that she just needs to quiet herself and think of things that make her happy. Reassure her that she is loved. And perhaps sit by her bed until she falls asleep. Ultimately, she will outgrow this behavior as she gets older. About 40 percent of children have these night terrors. Do not wake her up when she is having one. Sometimes children can act out if that happens. It is not uncommon for children to sleepwalk while they are having a night terror.”

“Really, oh dear. That’s is scary.”

“As I said as her nervous system becomes fully developed these dreams will resolve themselves. Try to have a ritual before she retires for the night. Taking a bath, having some warm milk. Saying her prayers if you do that. And finally kissing her good night and she closes her eyes and waiting for her to fall asleep. If this doesn’t work, we will consider sending her to a sleep lab. Call me and let me know how she is doing, alright?

“Yes, I understand Doctor thanks for your help. I hope it works. I will keep in touch.”

“Alright my nurse will be bringing Ellie out to the waiting room now. Goodbye.”

Ellie followed the nurse out to the waiting room. She saw her mom sitting there and said, “can we go now. I’m really tired?”

“Yes let’s go home and see what we can have for lunch shall we. What would you like Ellie?”

“Oh, vegetable soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. That’s my favorite.”

“That’s what it will be then. As they drove towards home. Ellie’s mother could see her eyes kept closing and then she saw Ellie was asleep. Ellie’s mom thought, oh what a relief. She continued on her way home without any incident and suddenly she heard a weird growling noise from the back seat. She thought it was the car backfiring at first and then she realized it was a low growling. So, she looked in the rear-view mirror and she glanced at Ellie who was now wide awake and she had her mouth wide opened in a silent scream. The growling noise got louder and she saw something so terrifying that her mind wanted to block it out. But it couldn’t there was a creature with a long snout full of huge fangs and it was above Ellie’s head looking as if it was about to bite off Ellie’s head.

Helen thought she must be losing her mind. How could she be seeing this living nightmare? She kept staring at it, the huge orange, bulging eyes, the horns that look like they could kill someone with ease. And then it open’s its mouth wide and spewed forth the most acrid, decaying smell she had ever experienced. And that is when Helen was awakened by a loud noise. Her car had just slammed into the median strip in the middle of the highway. Ellen’s eyes opened and she realized she had fallen to sleep at the wheel and crashed her car. At that moment she remembered from a long-buried memory that she had experienced night terrors as a child and Ellie must have inherited it from her. And then the lights went out when she lost consciousness. The next thing she was aware of was when she woke up in an ambulance with her daughter lying beside her on a gurney. She was banged up and bruised but alive.

Helen and Ellie heard a calming voice saying, “you are going to be alright. We are on our way to the emergency room. Everything is going to be alright. Try to rest now.”

Helen looked at Ellie looked at one another tears ran down their cheeks. Knowing that they would never have a peaceful sleep again.

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Sweet Dreams

Most people are blessed with the ability to lie their heads down on their pillow at night and fall fast asleep. Unfortunately, I can’t count myself as one of those people. As far back as I can remember I have struggled with the inability to fall asleep in a timely manner or stay asleep once I was lucky enough to nod off.

Insomnia photo by Dieter Robbins-Pixabay

I have tried all the home remedies over the years warm milk, counting sheep, taking a hot bath, relaxing my muscles one at a time from my toes to my head. You would think the sheer boredom of doing all of these monotonous things would put me to sleep. But no, I was wide-awake and bored. I went through a period of doing as many physically challenging chores as I could do during the day, hoping that sheer physical exhaustion would do the job, but no, no it didn’t.

But then along came Ambien. I had tried over-the-counter sleeping aids. They had no effect on me whatsoever. Ambien came along at just the right time for me. I had recently started having symptoms of menopause. And by that, I mean hot flashes. I had them during the day too. All I had to do was think about something hot, and voila a hot flash would hit me like someone opening the oven door in my face. I would break out in a sweat from head to toe. Couldn’t eat spicy foods anymore, either.

But the hot flashes at night were the worst. I would finally fall asleep after two or three hours of tossing and turning. And then voila a hot flash would wash over my entire body like a heatwave on a hot and humid day in August. I would suddenly wake up, and throw off the sheet and start fanning myself. As a last resort, I would get up, go to the bathroom and pat myself down with a cold washcloth. Then I would go back to bed on top of the covers and put an electric fan on my side table and point it in my direction. This could be in the dead of winter. So, then I was wide awake and sweaty.

I was finally desperate enough that I made an appointment to go to my general practitioner. I absolutely hate going to doctors. I have to be half-dead before I go there. That’s how desperate I was to get some sleep. On the day of my doctor’s appointment, I hadn’t slept in four days. I was like a zombie. I found myself staring off into space, repeating myself, forgetting what I was doing in the middle of a task. Unable to concentrate on anything I was doing. A couple of times I nodded off momentarily while I was driving. That was scary and that was the reason I finally called Dr. Carlyle’s office and made an appointment. They had a cancellation and ask if I could be there in one hour. And I said, hell, yes.

As I sat in the exam room waiting for my doctor to come in I thought of all the reasons I could give him why he absolutely needed to take sleeping pills. I was at my wit’s end, tired, cranky, losing my mind, really.

Dr. Carlyle walk through the door and said, “hello Alex how are you, my it looks like you haven’t been in to see us for a long time. Let’s see it’s been over three and a half years. That’s not good, you should come in for a regular check-up at least once a year. Are you having any problems you would like to discuss?”

“Well, yes there is one problem I have and I have to admit I getting desperate.”

“Desperate, well I don’t like to hear that. What is the nature of the problem?”

“Dr, Carlyle, I can’t sleep. I have great difficulty falling asleep. Sometimes it takes hours while I lie there obsessing about things that have happened during the day. Or some offhand comment someone made to me that upset me for some reason or another. If I’m lucky I’ll fall asleep for an hour or two and then I wake up and I can’t fall asleep again. Or I go to sleep and wake up three or four times.

“Well, let’s take a look at you. I see your weight is alright, your blood pressure is a little low, no temperature. How is your appetite? Do you eat healthy foods? Any family problems or financial issues that might be keeping you awake?”

“No, not really, nothing new anyways. I’m a vegetarian, so I eat a healthy diet. I don’t drink anything with caffeine. I don’t eat sweets. I don’t drink alcohol. No real family issues just the day-to-day stuff. I love my job. So, I’ve always had this problem. It’s not new. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have trouble going to sleep even when I was a kid.”

“Really, well that’s unusual. I think we should do blood tests if nothing comes back that is out of order, I’m going to put you on a new sleeping medication called Ambien. It has been shown to be helpful for people with long-term insomnia. And so far, there haven’t been any reports of harmful side effects. We’ll start you off on a low dose and then increase it if doesn’t seem strong enough.”

“Oh, that would be fantastic, I would feel better and function better if I was able to sleep at night as most normal people do. When can I start taking it?”

“Well, it will take a couple of days for the lab to come back with the results of your blood work. I’ll have my nurse call the prescription into your pharmacy. So in a few days and you will begin feeling like a new woman.”

“Thank you doctor, so, so much. This will give me a new lease on life.”

“Alright, then Alex give my office a call in a week or two and let me know how you are feeling. I’m positive you will be right as rain in the very near future. If you encounter any problems please feel free to let me know. Take care, now, you can check out now.”

Three days later I received a call from Rite Aid to tell me my prescription was ready to be picked up. And I threw my jacket on over my pajamas and shoved my feet into my shoes and grabbed my purse and was on my way. I fairly flew down the road to the pharmacy.

As I entered Rite Aid, I ran into my neighbor Sherry and she said.” Hello, Alex so nice to see you. Are you feeling alright?”

“Feeling alright, why do you say that?”

“Well, your face is flushed and I couldn’t help but notice that you are wearing your pajamas.”

“Pajamas?” Then I look down at my legs and notice I‘m still wearing my pajamas. “Oh, how silly, I completely forgot I was still wearing my pajamas. I ran out the door so fast. Well, take care. I’ll talk to you later.”

I practically knock her down in my hurry to get past her and get to the pharmacist. I didn’t even look back at her to see if she is alright. I never liked her that much anyway, she has always been such a busy body. I zigzag my way through the people in the store and notice that there are two people ahead of me at the pharmacy counter. Damn, I scream inside my head, damn.

Ten minutes later I have my prescription in my hot little hands and run through the store and out the door to my car. Which I apparently left running, doors unlocked and the driver’s door wide open. I realize I need to calm down before having some kind of stroke or seizure. I’m so wound up and exhausted.

When I arrive home, I sit in my car for a few moments to collect myself. And then I start thinking, why did I rush to the pharmacy like that. I can’t take the pill until tonight before I want to go to bed. I decide I’m going to spend the day listening to music and doing things that will calm me down. Perhaps I’ll read for a while. That always has a calming effect on me.

At 8:30 pm I decide to take a hot bubble bath and get ready for bed. I’m still a little hyper but after my bath, I should feel a lot better. I take one Ambien out of the prescription bottle and down it with a little water from the sink tap. After that, I bring a cup of Sleepy Time herbal tea with me into the bathroom and close the blinds and the bathroom door. I lit two candles that I keep by the tub and slip into the hot soapy water.

The next thing I realize is that I feel like I’m drowning. I think it must be a dream. And then I realize I’m still in the tub and my head has slipped under the water. I pull myself up and spit the water out of my mouth and blow my nose on a washcloth. “Holy Crap, this stuff really works,” I shout to no one in particular. I drag my body out of the now cold water and look at the clock I keep on the bathroom counter. I have been in the tub for an hour. I had fallen fast asleep. I hope I will be able to fall asleep again once I get out of the tub and back into my pajamas and into my bed.

I wake up and look over at the clock and it is seven-thirty in the morning. I feel pretty good, a little bit fuzzy-headed. As I get out of bed, I realize I don’t have any pajamas on. I know I had them on when I went to bed. Huh, that’s weird. I walk towards my bathroom and then I notice the tub is filled with water. I look in the mirror and I notice my hair is sticking out in every direction and it feels damp. I think about it and then out of the depths of my memory, I vaguely remember taking a bath. But that’s about it. I don’t give it a second thought.

I have a productive day. I work from home most days, occasionally I have to go to my work office for meetings. I’m an accountant. Not a glamorous job, but I make a decent living. And for the most part, I can avoid interacting with humans. I’m not what you would call a social person. I eat dinner at 5:30 as usual and then I wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen. I plan on watching a movie tonight. Just as I got comfortable in my chair in the living room the phone rings I look at the caller ID and it’s Thurmond Brown. He’s one of my customers. But it was after my work hours and I have no intention of talking to him tonight. I met him one time at my work office and within the first five minutes, he hit on me. Now, I keep my distance.

I get in my pajamas bring some cookies and a cup of hot tea into the living room and start watching When Harry Met Sally, I know that is a sentimental, unrealistic movie. But, I’m just a succor for a good romance movie. Although in my own life I’m a complete skeptic. About a half-hour before the movie ends, I take my Ambien. And that’s the last thing I remember until I hear my alarm go off and I wake up. My head feels a little off again, but still, nothing to worry about. When I walk into the kitchen to make some coffee and the kitchen looks like a food fight has taken place there. And there are two half-empty wine glasses sitting on the counter amongst what looks like the remains of a chocolate cake with bites taken out of it. “What the…” I say out loud. What the hell is going on?

I decide to go and get a shower and maybe it will clear my head and I’ll remember what happened last night. As I walk toward my bedroom, I notice the phone is blinking. I look at the phone ID and it’s Thurmond Brown. And I think, oh yeah, he called last night and then I realize the phone says two messages. I play the last message back. I hear a man’s voice, “Hey baby, I’m so glad you called me back last night. It was an unbelievable night. I’m sorry I had to leave while the night was young. But I had to get up early this morning to take that business trip to Des Moines that I told you about at the Corporate office. I’ll call you later. By the way, did I mention what a great time I had?”

“What the hell is he talking about, why is this man harassing me?” Then I stamped off to my bedroom. Thinking he must be out of his freaking mind. I go into the bathroom to take a shower and I happen to look in the mirror. I cannot believe my eyes. There is chocolate cake all over my face. And I mean all over my face. Even my forehead, and in one of my ears. “What the hell is going on? This is madness.”

After I shower and get dressed and clean up my entire apartment. I sit down and think about what has been happening the past few days, and I just can not figure out what to make of it all. It appears that I invited Thurmond over and we had some kind of romantic encounter. But that just can not be true. Maybe I am sleeping now and this is all a bad dream. It has to be. I put it out of my mind. I’m sure I will wake up soon and none of this will be real.

I spend the entire day finishing off the accounts that were outstanding and due in two days. I put all the insanity out of my conscious mind. I simply refuse to think about any of it. There must be some rational explanation for it all. Once again, I eat my dinner, tonight I have Chinese take-out delivered. I probably shouldn’t because it gives me horrible heartburn, but I just love spicy food, my stomach seems to disagree.

I decide to read for a while. Although, I’m feeling kind of tired from all the work I completed today. But I can’t sleep this early with all that Chinese food in my stomach or I will wake up feeling sick.

So, I read three chapters and then take Ambien. And off I go to the land of Nod, in no time flat. When I wake up, I hear someone singing in the kitchen. And I see a trail of feathers strewn across the living room floor into the hall and beyond. “What the hell is happening now?”, I yell at the top of my voice. I follow the trail into the kitchen. And what do I see, but a young man who appears to be Chinese is about to cut off the head of a live chicken. I scream, “Stop, stop what you’re doing? What are you doing at my house? Don’t you dare kill that chicken, are you insane?”

“Madame, you called my restaurant and ask to have this meal prepared in your home first this thing this morning.”

“I certainly did not. This is barbaric, I would never want to kill any animal and eat it. I’m a vegetarian.”

“If you say so, madame. But I’m sorry you’ll have to pay for this meal nonetheless.”

I paid him after looking at the receipt. I felt so bad for the chicken I told him that since I paid for the chicken, it was mine to keep. And then I show him the door. So, apparently, I’m the proud owner of a chicken with missing feathers. I hope they will grow back. Right now, I will have to keep him in my bathroom until I can find someone who wants to have a chicken for a pet, or maybe I’ll just keep him. Why not, I seem to be losing my mind. How much trouble can one chicken be?

I plop down on my bedroom chair and contemplate the events of the past few days. And then it comes to me, it must be the Ambien. I must be sleepwalking and sleep talking and eating and apparently having sex with a man in my sleep that I despise. Dear god, what is happening? I call my doctor and demand to speak to him on the phone immediately. His nurse says he can’t talk right now. I’ll have him return your call as soon as he is free.

Three hours later the phone rings and it is my doctor’s office. I ask him if there are any strange side effects from Ambien. He stammers a bit, and then he says, “well there have been some reports of sleepwalking, sleep-driving, and sleep eating and one report of one woman having sex with a stranger while sleeping.”

For a moment I feel like my head is exploding. “And you didn’t think that is something you should have warned me about? Are you completely incompetent? I could have gotten myself killed or worse. I should sue your ass.”

“Alex, I felt the benefits outweighed the risks. And few people experienced these side effects. I had no idea you would be one of those. Did I?”

“You certainly know it was a possibility. This is unbelievable. What do you suggest I do now? If I stop taking the Ambien, I won’t be able to sleep. And I continue taking the Ambien who knows what I will do next in my sleep?”

“I don’t know Alex, but you are the only one who can make this decision. I do suggest you put your car keys in a safe place at night so you won’t sleep drive. Since that could be quite dangerous.”

Oh yeah, thanks, I’ll keep that in mind, doctor.”

So here is my dilemma, should I continue taking the Ambien and getting much-needed sleep or stop because of these sleep adventures? I think about it all day and decide that I’m going to set up some motion detector cameras around my apartment to see what kind of trouble I’m getting into and if it isn’t life-threatening, I will continue to take the Ambien. If it is, I’ll cut the dose in half and see what happens. Because really this is the best sleep I’ve had in years.

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Beddy-Bye

At four-thirty sharp every morning, my eyes fly open, I‘m wide awake. This morning I look over at the digital clock that is large and glowing, and it is blinking 12:00. Oh, oh, it seems as if the power went out again. We must have had another electrical thunderstorm. Wonder, what time it is? I make a bet with myself that it is four-thirty in the morning.

I blindly make my way over to the bathroom and flip the light quickly on and off, long enough to see the alarm clock. It has a backup battery. I win or lose, depending on whether I’m feeling optimistic or pessimistic at any given moment. It is indeed 4:30 am. My inner clock has wakened me up at 4:30 am.

This had happened to me every night since August 23, 1986, when my mother passed away from a complete coronary and respiratory arrest. On that particular night, I had wakened up from a sound sleep at 4:30 am and knew my mother passed.

At five am the aide, Doris, who was staying with my mother during the week, called to let me know that my mother had died. The ambulance arrived at the house to take her to the hospital, but of course, I was too late.

Doris, the aide, thought my mother’s refusal to have the air conditioner on or any of the windows open had precipitated her death. It was the hottest August 23rd in the recorded weather history of NJ up to this time. I had a new air conditioner put in my mother’s room, early in the spring. She had mid-stage dementia. And she was sometimes argumentative and combative.

Her disease had caused a radical change in her personality. Formerly a shy and quiet woman that spent her time saying the rosary, reading from her prayer book, and for excitement, she read the Reader’s Digest.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention she was completely blind for the past ten years from glaucoma. She became a paranoid and terrified woman who called me ten times a day to tell me someone was breaking into the house to steal her money, or that someone was hiding behind the living room chair, and smoking pot.

Before I realized what was going on with her, I used to sneak over to her house and peak in the living window to see if someone was hiding behind the rocking chair in the living room. Of course, there never was. Sometimes she called the police. And then they would call me. And I would assure them that she was somewhat senile, and I would be over shortly to check on her. 

My mother suffered these delusions for three years before I was able to get her to agree to go to a psychiatrist who specialized in sedating senile patients into submission, or as in her case, sleeping away the rest of her life. Subdued.

But that day, she had refused to take the sedative and was acting delusional and stubborn. There wasn’t much left of her. But what was there was stubborn when she wanted to be.

I waited until seven in the morning to call the rest of my family, and they were all upset that I hadn’t called them earlier, as if it would have made any difference. She was buried four days later at Calvary Cemetery, next to my dad, who had passed away from lung cancer eight months earlier, after a short battle of eight months, the longest months of my life.

The day is quite long when you wake up at 4:30 every morning.  Sometimes the days seem to run one into the other. This day would be no different. I was exhausted when I fell into bed, into a deep sleep, at ten pm. A little tomato juice and Temazepam paved the way for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

It was Sunday night, I had a full week ahead of me, but thanks to Mama’s little helper, I fell asleep ten minutes after my head hit the pillow, and didn’t wake up until eight-thirty the following morning. I woke up slowly. The room seemed different somehow, oh I realized it was daylight and not the usual pitch dark I wake up to. I had slept the entire night. I thought this is going to be a good week.

For Whom The Bell Tolls

I’m in a deep Temazepam-induced sleep. I have been experiencing a bout of insomnia for the past several months. I hear a relentless ringing in the distance. The sound becomes part of my dream.

In my dream, I’m forced to return to work at Dr. Wozniak’s office, answering phone calls. I worked there while I was in high school and until I was twenty-one. For some unknown reason, forty years later, I’m still dreaming about working there. I have had countless jobs since that first job, but the dream continues.

Finally, I emerge from the foggy depths of my dreamland and realize that the ringing is coming from my phone, not from deep within my subconscious. I stagger somewhat haphazardly over to the phone. I trip over my slippers and stub my toe.

“Hello, hello, do you know what time it is? Who is this? What do you want?”

“You don’t know me, but I know you. I know where you live. I know that you drive an old white Subaru Wagon. I know you drove through the light at the intersection at William Dalton Boulevard last Tuesday, the fifteenth of October. I saw what you had in the back of your wagon. Unless you meet with me and give me $10,000 dollars, I’m going to tell the police all about it. I have pictures of your car and your tags.”

“What in the world are you talking about? You must be some nut. Do not call me again. I’ll call the police and tell them that you’re trying to extort money from me.” I hang up the phone and bang it in the cradle about ten times for good measure.

I stumble back to bed, managing to stub my big toe once again. I curse up a storm. SOB I moan, as I rub my poor beleaguered toe. I throw myself back into bed and pull the covers over my head. I tightly close my eyes and try to will myself back to sleep. Nothing. Sleep does not visit me. I’m reluctant to take another sleeping pill.

I‘ll be a mess tomorrow if I do. I have a busy day tomorrow, including an appointment with the accountant, which I have been dreading. I know that when he goes over my accounts, I’m going to owe a pretty chunk of change to Old Uncle Sam’s coffers.

The phone conversation keeps running through my mind as if it is on a memory loop. I’m the first person to acknowledge that I have obsessive-compulsive thoughts. Thoughts I have difficulty controlling.

What in the world was this guy talking about? What does he think he saw in my car? He had described my car, but I’m sure plenty of old Subaru Wagons are still on the roads. I try to recall the fifteenth of October. I just can’t. I‘ll have to check my calendar tomorrow. I would do it right now if my brain weren’t in a complete fog. I flip on the lamp and write a note on the pad. I keep it there to record my random thoughts and insights in the wee hours. Unfortunately, my handwriting, under the best circumstances, looks like a chicken scratch.

After tossing and turning for three hours. I admit to myself I won’t go back to sleep this night. I dangle my legs over the side of the bed and push my feet into my bedraggled slippers. They are on the wrong feet. I leave them that way.

I make my way downstairs, almost tripping over my cat, Hilda.  Sometimes, I think she might have a homicidal side to her personality. She has repeatedly caused or nearly caused me to fall down the steps.

I turn on the lights as I pass through the living room, the dining room, and finally into my office. I sit down at my desk, turn on my computer, and look at my calendar. On the fifteenth of October, I taught a class on haircutting at the main J.C. Penny’s hair salon. Huh? What in the world does he think he saw? What did I have in the back of the car?”

I think about it for about two minutes. It comes to me. I had the mannequin heads piled up in my back seat. My students had practiced a haircut and blowout on them. I took them home in my car so I could return them to the main office the next day. I sit there for a moment and start laughing out loud. What did this guy think I was some kind of serial killer? Did he think that I kept heads as souvenirs?

The phone rings again. It is now almost four o’clock in the morning.

“Hello.”

“Alright, lady, now you have had time to consider the situation you are in. When do I get my money? If you don’t give it to me tomorrow, I will start adding interest to it.”

“Well, buddy, I’ll tell you where you can go. I didn’t do anything wrong. So, feel free to report it to the police along with the pictures. Then you can go straight to hell.”

I slam down the phone. I start laughing again, a real belly laugh. I get up, turn out the lights, walk back up to my bedroom, and fall asleep. I haven’t had any trouble sleeping since then. I sleep like a newborn baby. No more Temazepam for me.