Life isn’t always easy, is it? At least, that has always been my experience. My troubles began when I was a little girl. I know that was a long, long time ago, but it still affects my everyday life. Let me explain, one day, and I was out on my front sidewalk. I was about seven years old at the time. I was playing hopscotch with my best friend, Jo Ann Mortimer.
Anyway, it was my turn, and I began by singing the part that says, “step on a crack, break your mother’s back.” And at just that point in the rhyme, I tripped and stepped on the crack and fell. I really got a big scape on both of my knees at the same time. And I started crying, and I guess I’ve always had a low threshold for pain. All the other kids started laughing and making fun of me, calling me a “crybaby.” I got even more upset because they were calling me names. So, I started crying even louder, and everyone started laughing at me. I got up from the sidewalk and ran home. I was only three doors down from my house. But I cried all the way home.
When I was out in front of my house, I saw my mother on the sidestep. And that is when I really started crying full blast. For some reason, whenever I got hurt playing outside, the sight of my mother took me to another level of hysteria. My mother looked up in alarm, and she started coming down the steps to intercept me, and she tripped and fell down the four remaining steps, and then she didn’t move.
I ran as fast as I could to get to my mother. But when I ran over to her, I realized she wasn’t moving at all. I called out,” Mom, Mom wake up, wake up.” She didn’t move or answer. I ran up the steps and flung open the kitchen door, and it made a loud bang as it hit the side of the railing that was on the top step. My father must have been sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast along with two of my older siblings. And he shouted,” Sally, what the hell have you done to your mother? She could have broken her neck or her back. Get out of the way.”
I stood there transfixed by my mother, who was still lying at the bottom of the steps on the sidewalk, and she was moaning and attempting to sit up. My father said, “Mary, Mary take it easy you took a fall. Move slowly. My mother then sat up, and she cried, “oh my back, my back, it really hurts.” A single tear slowly made its way down her cheek, followed by another and another. My father said Mary take your time. Let me help you get up. And then he helped her sit up and then slowly lifted her up to her feet. He said, “ OK, Mary, let’s get you in the house. Take it easy. There’s no rush.” And he slowly helped her through the kitchen door and lowered her to her chair at the kitchen table. I stood there silently, feeling such tremendous guilt and remorse. Because I knew it was all my fault because I had stepped on the crack, and now my mother’s back was broken. I cried and cried and cried.
My father said, “what the hell are you crying for?”
I said, “it was my fault because I was playing hopscotch, and I stepped on the crack, and now Mommy’s back is broken. And I renewed my crying and began wailing. My mother said, “Sally, it was not your fault I tripped and fell. Please stop crying. I’m going to be alright, “Henry, could you please go get me the heating pad and a couple of aspirin?”
“Of course. I hope she stops crying by the time I get back, and I can’t stand when she carries on like that.”
My mother said, “come here, Sally, give me a hug. Everything is fine. I’ll be right as rain in no time. Why don’t you go in and watch some cartoons? You’ll feel better in no time, and so willl I.”
And over a couple of weeks, my mother did start to feel better. My father even took her to the doctor to make sure she was alright. And my mom came into my room when she came home from the doctor. She told me that the doctor said it was just a bad bruise and a pulled muscle. And that she would be her old self in no time at all. I said, “Mom, I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t know that saying that rhyme could actually make you hurt your back. I promise I’ll never say it again.”
“Sally, please stop blaming yourself. It was just an accident, no more. Now go in and watch TV.”
I never brought up the subject of my mother falling down the steps again in front of my parents or my brothers and sisters. But I never for a minute forgot about it. And over the course of my childhood, I became more and more fearful. That if I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing, I could hurt my mother or anyone I cared about. So, I knew I had to be extremely careful of all my words and actions. By the time I graduated from high school, I had transformed into a frightened and neurotic person, afraid of everything, and anything I did or said might hurt my family and my friends.
In my senior year in high school, I caught a cold, and my father told me I couldn’t stay home from school since it was my last year and to take tissues with me and take some cough medicine before I left to take the bus to school. I tried to be careful and not get too close to anyone or cough without covering my mouth. But, somehow, some way, a few days later, several girls that I went to school with were sneezing and coughing. They all knew what a germaphobe I was, and they called me a “typhoid Mary .” Because I was so afraid of everything, I mean absolutely everything, germs, steps, heights, enclosed spaces like elevators, storms, and spiders, and getting sick and dying suddenly. In other words a complete basket case. But, the worse fear I developed was social anxiety. I developed a belief that people thought I was crazy because of all my phobias and didn’t want to be around me. Of course, there was some truth in that since I was acting out of control and frightened of my own shadow at times.
On graduation day from high school, I was a complete and utter basket case. I was afraid of wearing the cap and gown that my school required. I only felt safe in my own clothes and my school uniform. The mother superior of my high school knew all about my phobias since the school had to deal with them for four years. So, she called me to her office, and she asked me, “how are you doing, Sally?”
“Well, I’m a little nervous about graduating and leaving school and getting a job or maybe going to college. I haven’t been able to decide what I want to do yet. I really don’t have a clue what I can do since there are so many obstacles in my way. And right now, I’m upset because I can’t wear my uniform under my cap and gown. I only feel safe in my uniform. I don’t want to wear a dress under the cap and gown.”
“Sally, that is not a problem. It is perfectly fine if you wear your uniform under the cap and gown. So, put that worry right out of your mind. OK?”
“Really, thanks, sister. I was so worried about that all year.”
“What else is on your mind, Sally? Have you decided to go on to college or get a job?”
“I haven’t decided. I don’t know what I want to study. Maybe I should get a job and then go to college later when I have a better idea of what I want to do. But I don’t know how to do anything, so I don’t know what kind of job I could do?”
“Well, Sally, that’s not really true. You know how to type. You’re quite proficient at it. And you are an excellent writer and have an amazing imagination. You are highly efficient and organized. You are kind and thoughtful of people. In fact, I had two employers contact me seeking a new employee, and I feel like you would be a great fit. I spoke to them about some of the issues you have with phobias. And they both felt that over time you would be able to adapt to their office environment. What do you say? Are you interested?”
“Well, I don’t know. I have trouble meeting new people sometimes, and I have difficulty learning new things.”
“Sally, you lack confidence in yourself. You have excelled in school, especially in tests. You always studied hard and were prepared for every class. Yes, you are quiet and shy. But over time, you did make friends here at school. I trust you will be able to do the same thing at a job. And later, you might consider going on to college part-time and taking some classes that you are interested in.”
“Really? You really believe I could do that?”
“ Oh, course. Are you interested in finding out about the jobs?”
“Yes, I guess so, and my dad told me I had to get a job, so I don’t really have much choice.”
“Alright then, the first job is a dental assistant job. You would be assisting the dentist chairside with his patients, developing ex-rays, answering the telephone when patients call to make appointments, setting up the dental instruments for the doctor before the patients arrive, and also, on the dentist’s day off, typing bills and sending them out to patients. The dentist assured me that he would train you to do one thing at a time and not overwhelm you with too many tasks until you were ready to learn a new skill and confident in yourself. “
“Answering the phone, oh, I don’t know. “
“ Well, you would answer the phone and tell the patient that it was the dentist’s office, and they would tell you if they needed an appointment and or to cancel an appointment. Easy, and if you didn’t know, you ask the doctor. “
“The other job is similar, only it is in a psychiatrist’s office, and you would be answering the phone, greeting the patients, and transcribing the doctor’s notes. Not exactly rocket science. And you are a highly structured young woman and smart, and you learn quickly. You will gain confidence over time, just as you have done here at school. Think about it for a few days or a week, and let me know. All of your teachers are more than willing to give you good references.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. I have seen you grow and evolve over time. I know you still have some fears and phobias, but I believe that over time you can over overcome these difficulties. And do you know that everyone has situations where they are frightened. Over the course of our lives, sometimes bad things happen, but we can overcome our fears, and we can move forward in our lives, one step at a time. What do you say? Are you ready to take that next step forward into your future? I have every confidence in your ability to succeed.”
“Well, I’m not sure, but I will do my best. Thank you for believing in me..”
“ That’s great, Sally. Take one step forward at a time, one day at a time. Now let me give you the phone number of the two potential employers. I know they are looking forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.”
Sally slowly looks up and smiles shyly at the principal, and said, “yes, one day at a time.”
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