For as long as I can remember, I have suffered from insomnia. Please don’t suggest that having insomnia is not suffering. I can assure you that not getting adequate sleep over long periods of time is exquisitely painful.
WOMAN WITH INSOMNIA
I do not recall a time when I didn’t have difficulty sleeping. My mother often complained that I would almost nightly come into her bedroom when I was a child and tell her I couldn’t sleep. I would beg to sleep with my parents. They always said, “no, go back to your own bed. And as a result, I would lie awake for the rest of the night with her eyes wide open and unable to fall asleep. I would finally drift off to sleep in the middle of the night. My mother said, “after you wake me up, I’m would unable to fall asleep for hours. And she would get up at six AM clutching her rosary in her hands.
Over the course of my lifetime, my insomnia did not resolve. It evolved. There were times when I would fall asleep but wake up after an hour or two and then be unable to fall back to sleep. I tried reading, praying, and staring out the window into the dark of the night. I would listen to cats fighting, or dogs barking or listen to my next-door neighbors’ knock-down brawls. I often wondered why they didn’t get a divorce. And even though I was a child, I knew it couldn’t be healthy to remain in a marriage where you hated your mate and your children grew up in a home full of anger and resentment.
As I grew into adulthood and moved out of my parent’s house and into my own apartment. Insomnia remained my companion. Although it was an unwelcome companion. Over the years, I tried various sleeping aids in my search for six hours of an uninterrupted night’s sleep. And then, finally, I found Ambien. A new medication that promised six to eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. It was a dream come true.
It wasn’t until several months of taking Ambien that I realized there were some unexpected side effects from taking it. And I, unfortunately, suffered the consequences of every one of these side effects. The first side effect I became aware of was that, over several months, I started putting on weight. I was always self-conscious about my weight and being fit. As I exercised every single day. I was extremely careful about what I ate, especially sweets and carbs. I stopped eating animal protein and became a vegetarian.
And so, when I began noticing that my clothes were starting to feel tight. I couldn’t understand why or how this was happening. I decided to get an appointment with my doctor to see if I had developed a thyroid problem. But I found out I didn’t have a hypothyroid problem. The doctor stated that he couldn’t find any organic or biological reason for my weight gain. And he insisted that I must be eating more or eating high-calorie foods and that I wasn’t getting enough exercise. I told him that was certainly not the case since I hadn’t changed my diet or exercise routine in the least.
And finally, I made an appointment with a psychologist to determine if there was a psychological reason why I couldn’t sleep. The doctor felt that one of the reasons I had sleeping problems was that I had depression because of unresolved childhood issues. After several months of talk therapy, the therapist suggested that I set up video cameras in my bedroom and my house and find out what I was doing at night to cause the weight gain.
In addition, as I was leaving his office, he mentioned in passing that some early research indicated that Ambien could cause sleepwalking, sleep eating, and even more, terrifying sleep driving. Why, why, why do doctors wait until you are walking out the door to tell you the most pertinent facts about your health? He told me I should consider going off them.
I just couldn’t bring myself to stop taking Ambien because after I started using them, I was able to fall asleep within fifteen minutes of taking one and sleep throughout the night with no hangover like previous sleeping pills I had taken. I said, “alright, Doctor, I’ll give that suggestion some thought. But I will definitely get the video camera’s set up and see if I am sleepwalking at night. I’ll keep in touch. Thank you for your time.”
So, two days later, I had a guy come to my home and install the video cameras around my home. And he put one in my car. They were all sensitive to movement and would turn on automatically. He told me to wait a few days before checking the cameras. So, I waited and waited, and five days later, I checked all the cameras.
I thought I would find videos of me raiding the kitchen. But no, that isn’t what I saw. What I saw was me wearing my pajamas and slippers and my winter chenille robe. And unbelievably, I was going out the door of my apartment and heading in the direction of the apartment parking garage. And then, I saw myself getting into my car and driving to several fast food restaurants, including McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Domino’s Pizza, and the local all-night family restaurant.
I could hardly believe my eyes. The kind of food I was eating and the amount of food I was eating were unbelievable. I was eating junk food for hours every night, and all the while, I was asleep. Although my eyes were open, I was ordering the food and paying for it and then either gobbling it down while I was driving to the next fast food place or sitting in my car all alone, stuffing my face with one disgusting thing after another.
My final stop was always the all-night family restaurant, where I apparently ate a full breakfast of bacon, eggs, scrapple, and buckets of hot coffee. No wonder I was getting as round as a beach ball. I’m surprised I haven’t had a heart attack yet. Just from the sheer amount of fried foods and calories.
And the fact that I was eating meat made me sick to my stomach and sick at heart. I love animals and gave up eating meat twenty years ago. How could I be doing this? It was so hard to believe. But, obviously true.
And then I considered the obvious I was driving all over town asleep. I could have killed myself or other innocent people. It was worse than driving drunk. It was altogether a nightmare. And the irony of it all was hard to swallow. I was finally sleeping after all these years. But, I did not feel rejuvenated or refreshed, or healthier. I was fat and apparently addicted to Ambien and junk food.
It was clear to me that I needed to go back to the shrink and find out why my subconscious was driving me to undermine my health and my well-being. And making me a danger to myself and all the other people on the road, and highways, and byways where I lived.
After waiting three weeks to get another appointment with my shrink. I had accomplished several important things. I weaned myself off of Ambien. I won’t lie. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I got rid of all the junk foods. I started exercising twice a day, once before I went to bed and first thing in the morning.
I lost about ten pounds in those few weeks before I saw my shrink’s appointment. I felt better because I wasn’t gaining any more weight. And the exercise, including walking five miles a day and working, made me so tired and often fell immediately fell asleep and stayed asleep for six hours. Which was a big improvement for me.
And the talk therapy with my shrink helped me to start resolving the reasons for my ongoing depression and unresolved problems with my family and some of my friends. I found out it was better to talk about problems with my family and friends instead of stuffing it all down with food. After six months, I lost thirty pounds with ten more to go. I feel like a new woman, and that has helped me to stop being so self-critical. My family and I are communicating with one another, and I don’t feel so fueled with anger all the time.
So, I still do have the occasional sleepless night. But, I stay away from Ambien and instead consider what kind of emotional issues I am having at any given time. And I talk with my therapist, and she helps me see what is in plain view. And that I have to make an effort to solve these issues instead of feeding them or obsessing about them all day and into the night. So, with that, I’ll say good day, and I hope you have a good night’s sleep.
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